TAGLISH NAMAN..Hirap mag-Express eh

Pumunta ako sa Health Occupations office sa school ngayon to ask for another nursing application form kasi hindi ko na makita yung dating form ko, ewan ko kung saan ko na nailagay o naitago. The secretary who handed me the forms said that the due dates for turning in applicatoins would be on or before Jan 5, 2007 and the classes will start on February for the LVN-RN bridge program. I said thanks and left. 9am pa lang pero ang araw ay parang kala mo eh tanghaling tapat na. It was too early to go home since I just got there, tapos I spent the whole 15 minutes para lang maghanap ng mapaparkingan at saka I even paid a buck for it. So I said, I'd stay na lang muna sa school for an hour for all its worth. I made my way to the library, went inside, sat down at my usual spot, behind the last rows of book shelves at the very end of the upper level hallway, and decided to fill up the application form I was holding.

Pagkasulat ko pa lang ng pangalan ko sa form, nalungkot na ako at nagmuni-muni. Ano ba 'tong ginagawa ko sa buhay ko, bat ko ba pinipilit ang sarili ko sa mga bagay na hindi ko gustong gawin? Dahil ba sa Nursing lang ang more stable, more benefits at more pay...dapat dun din ako? Minsan, naisip ko, sana hindi na lang ako nagmigrate dito sa America. O kung nagmigrate man, sana nung elementary o highschool pa ako. At least yun, makakaadjust pa ako at hindi pa masyadong buo ang mga munting pangarap ko sa buhay. Pero yung magmigrate ako sa kalagitnaan ng paggagraduate ko ng kolehiyo?!?! Its fucked up. My goals in life just shattered into pieces 4years ago and I can still here the pieces shattering until now. I told my parents about this noon pa man. Pero sabi nila, try mo lang maging nurse, mag LVN ka at least kung magproproceed ka ng RN or ibang course madali na lang kasi you can go to school and work at the same time. Well when you felt like shit, like I was before, at sabihan ka ng mga comforting words like that, sympre parang its the only good idea you've ever heard. Tutal try lang naman eh, and then after that kung ayaw ko pa rin nga talaga ng Nursing then I have the option not to proceed to RN dba?

Dba mah ass.. nakatapos na lang ako at ayoko pa rin maging nurse. Ewan ko nga kung bakit nakatapos pa ako eh, I guess I just stuck it out in the LVN program because I want to please my parents. Sympre pag ikaw ang panganay daming standards na dapat ma reach. So I talked to them again about not wanting to proceed to RN anymore, gusto ko na uling ipagpatuloy ang Medtech ko na hindi natapos kasi nga nagmigrate ako. Aba, hindi pumayag ang mom ko! Bakit pa daw ako magmedtech eh LVN na ako, a year more and Ill be a RN na. Nagiba na naman ang ihip ng hangin. Akala ko ba noon try out lang tong LVN kasi nga walang schools dito ng medtech malapit sa location namin at it was a good decision before. Tapos ngayon Im not entitled to change my course anymore? Pano ako makakaproceed eh I dont like it. I dont like Nursing, what part of that simple sentence dont they understand! Sabi nila matatagalan na ako kung tatapusin ko pa ang medtech...pero yung ang gusto ko, it's not whether I can graduate fast and work immediately, we are talking about loving what you're doing, loving your work and accomplishments sa buhay. Ayokong matulad sa mga taong nagnunurse lang maski napilitan din sila just to have a future here, hindi naman nila kasalanan na ang Pilipinas ay walang2 pagdating sa pagbigay kaunlaran sa mga kapwa tao, pero thats a whole different view kasi Im already here in US, walang bisa na sa akin ang nursing.

For once in my life, gusto ko naman masunod ang gusto ko. Etong isang bagay na magpapabigay clarity at contentment sa life ko. Halos lahat naman na sa akin na, hindi ko ginusto pero talagang swerte lang ako dahil I have such hardworking parents who gives me almost everything in life. Kulang na nga lang, hindi na nila ako pagpatrabahuin. Pero I have goals rin naman, and this one goal Im insisting to them, will be the starting point of my future. I dont want to live in my future kung alam ko lang naman na hindi ako masaya sa ginagawa ko. Para ko lang dinadaya ang sarili ko. Kaya lang...I dont know what else I can do to persuade them to let me do this. I know they trust me that I can do it, takot lang cguro sila. Ah ewan...I have all the determination in the world, I just dont know how to put in into action and move on!

As I looked straight at the long deserted hallway infront of me,

emptiness had crept inside.

How can this happen to me?

I shook my head, sighed, and continued filling up the damn form.