Leaving behind.

I am already missing my friends here. My bestghurl, Odee, is already feeling sad about me leaving. Sabi nya, even though we don't talk often because we are both busy at least she knows I am just 30 minutes away from her, it's already a comfort for her to have that in mind. Pero ngayong aalis ako, not only will we not talk often, but also we are miles away from each other na. She's been my instant twin, sister, and stomachmates ever since she approach me to eat lunch with them in school before. I was a loner and she was this long lasting energetic ghal who gives smiles and contagious laughter to everyone. Hayyyy... I know they will always have my back naman and I won't be long. Time will fly by and I'll be back before we know it. Though I also have friends there still it's a different set of people whom I love in their own unique ways.

Today we went to our attorney and submitted the papers for my reentry permit and then I spent the rest of the day teaching my parents how to use and download things and stuffs in the computer and also I taught them how to use the yahoo messenger, how to video chat and use a webcam just the basic things they need to know. They hardly use the computer because they are spoiled by me, I do their personal stuffs for them, but now that I'm leaving, they have no choice but to learn for themselves. I'm sure it would be hard for them all to function without me around for a while because I mostly do all the technical support around the house. I'm the "hands-on"// "go to" gal. I hate leaving them on their own but they know I can't always be around anymore. They will eventually manage. Right now I have to listen to myself na naman, I'll put myself first na uli because I have to seek my own future, and my own happiness.

Man, I wanna cry... I feel awful leaving especially that this is a different kind of leave. But I have to continue what I've started and finish it as soon as possible or else I will never ever have this kind of opportunity again. It's for the best!

My Friend's Big Idea

So one of my long time friends, (Intsik!), who's currently working and living in Manila, dared my bestfriend to place a freakin' bet on me (imagine hehe!) since I was going home and would be there for quite sometime, she thought I wouldn't last a month or two or three without having someone who will eventually try to ask to court me or have a date with me and stuffs like that...(what a reputation huh!) coz she said I was very much single anyway and so available. I laughed when my bessie told me this awhile ago when we talked on the phone. Apparently, this 'dare thing' is fairly new to the 'fun things' they usually do. Usually they would set me up on a blind date or would just sneer at and despise the guys who would court me before (hehehe!) Now, they are willing to place a bet on me. Of course my bestfriend, knowing me for almost 17 years, immediately said, "Hang on a minute, I don't think she can last that long. I mean, mOieee??? Are you kidding me?" hahaha, can't argue with that, she's half-right. half. *winks*

I then thought about it and actually liked the idea. I mean, I'm not really going to be in a relationship anytime soon (or so I think!) until I know that I'm quite stable enough to juggle both school and lovelife again, so I said to my bessie that I would do it, and I do need the money too, hehe since I'm officially jobless and back to being a full-time student starting next month. I think the bet is 1 grand php but bessie said that if I'm willing to and would totally swear that I won't lose (hehe), we can make it to 2 grand php and we'll split it in half (she also needs the money for miscellaneous stuffs coz Nursing requirements are loads). But the thing is she added, when I do lose, I will be the one paying the whole amount since she doesn't have any right now at all haha. (whatta deal huh) I told her to ask Intsik! again if she's really serious about it, (I mean she, on the otherhand, doesn't need the money actually it's just the fun of it she wants hehe). Nothing has change. Dorks still rule. And Intsik! is still the head of the pack.

Yeah so am I weird or what? I told you I'm not just cute and cuddly. I share my fair trade of dares and bets. So am I bad enough for you yet... hehehe just kiddin. I dunno why I'm ok with it, I mean maybe because it's out of the norm than I would usually do and I have no worries because I'm not at all attached to anybody right now and not really interested at the moment. *sighed* I have too much going on with my life right now, and I have to establish ground first (again!?) before I can tackle another page.

Take time to listen coz u can touch hearts.

I was cleaning my car the other day when this kid named Francisco came up to me and asked for my brother if he could play outside with him for a lil while. I said yes since the weather wasn't sunny and scorching hot @ 10am anyway, and I'm outside also so I can keep a look out. It took a while for my brother to get out because I suppose he was still changing his home clothes, so I asked this young fella random things and stuffs while he waited and I continued cleaning the inside of my car. So I asked about his family. I asked what his mom does and where she is right now and stuffs like that. And then of course automatically you asked about the dad the next thing right? Boy was I surprised when he said his dad's in jail. I literally stopped at what I was doing for a couple of minutes and just stared at him surprisingly. I didn't know that this 8year old friendly kid who always has a cheerful smile on, and who always calls and waves at me when I drove by their side of street would have such a story. He said his mom said his dad was innocent and was just caught in some bad company that's why he's in jail. Of course, I just nodded. Then I realized his face became glum and was obviously sadden by what he said. He's face became a slightly flushed red so I said, "It's ok buddy, don't be embarrassed. Things happen for a reason. What matters the most is that you love him and you'll be there for him when he needs you." He nodded, and I looked away after that, I can't help but be misty-eyed for this poor lil guy. It must be hard for him, masking all this sadness and truth so that he won't be called a freak in school. My brother finally came out and they both rode their bikes around the neighborhood. I slammed by back against the passenger seat and just stared unconsciously at myself on the visor mirror. It was more like a blank stare, thinking about what I just learned from that lil time spent with this young fella. I closed my eyes, and decided to make a shout out to our Lord to keep Francisco safe from harm and that He will continue to bless his family. Prayer is all I can give for that kid. He didn't do anything wrong so I just hope he won't put that grudge on his shoulders later on. Wow, its good to be a lil nosy sometimes..coz you actually learn and reflect on something *faint smile*

Arrgghh.

You know it bugs me when people tell me things like, "Are you really sure you're going to study there? Baka mamaya maglalakwatsa galore ka lang dun." (rolling my eyes) I mean mind your freakin' business. And helloo... I am quite too old for games this time around coz I'm not getting any younger anymore and I need this very much so believe me when I say this is strictly what it's suppose to be. It's so hard to please people yet it's so easy to talk shit about them. And I'm not about to kiss anybody's butt just because they won't believe that I can be responsible too that I'm not all cute and cuddly all the time. Actually I'm sick being called cute, it's so overrated. Besides, I don't have any other options left unlike some people who think this is stupid. At least they have all the amenties in life, they've been lucky enough to survive this trip while I stumbled every step of the way. This is my way of turning things around, by finding myself and where I can walk a little more straighter this time. I don't like what's happening in my life and so I need a major change.

I'm starting over. I hope I won't screw it up.

My weakness is I care too much.

Hay grabe as in nabusy ako kahapon kaya hindi ko nakayanan magblog, derecho tulog kagaad ang beauty ng lola hehe. Anyway, yesterday I went to our family attorney and she prepared every document I needed for the long travel. Kailangan ko daw ng reentry permit since I'll be out of the country for quite a while and it's easier that way so that people @ customs won't bother asking me heck of questions. Actually hindi ko alam na kailangan pla ng permit na ganun, kala ko kasi kung citizen ka na eh you can do whatever you want basta wag lang lalampas ng one year, toink! hehe buti na lang pla I paid her a visit.

This travel I'm going to have is not for pleasure, sad to say although part of it will be. And I can't say it's a vacation either because it's not. Yes (kathie) I'm going back to the Philippines. That means I'm going to buy a new bed, design (again!?!) my childhood room which had been a storage bin since I left for the states and adopt to the humid atmosphere we have there hehe (that's a killer right there coz the first time I went home, d ko nakayanan I was sweating like a pig! hehe not that pigs sweat).

I just hope I can prove some people who's counting on me that I can be independent and can follow a lil something called "RULES" for once (hehe). Coz this time, I promised myself(which I rarely promise) that I won't re-do the past in this second chance given to me. Pagfeeling kung mangyayari uli, then I will deport myself back here ora mismo! seriously! *winks* Actually everything is up in the air for me, come what may, what will be will be, I don't know what to expect really. Basta I'm just glad I AM MOVING ON.

My favorite quote:

My weakness is I care too much.

Lil help to get by.

I have a great respect for my dad. He's my role model and I admire him so much that sometimes I try too much to be just like him; hard working, successful and definitely good at what he does. He's like the middle class Donald Trump or Bill Gates wherein almost everything he touches turns to gold (just an expression..but you know what I mean..) He has this rags to riches kinda story growing up and having to go home to where he grew up (my grandma's house) every weekend when I was young was what kept me and my siblings grounded beyond all bountiful blessings we have.

"Any man can be a father but it takes someone special to be a dad."

The one thing that differs from both my dad and I though are the sense of having friends. He always keep on reminding me everytime we have a "talk" that friends can never help you when you need them based from his experience and based from how long his been living on earth. I totally disagree. Maybe he just didn't have the luxury of having true friends like I have. Probably he's just used to relying so much on his own when he was growing up to have the time to bond and produce some deep friendships. Because my bestfriends have been there for me no matter how screwed up I turned out to be and no matter how my insanity drove them to their limits. My bestfriends always try to understand patiently each and every thing I decide randomly in my life. ( I always decide randomly..unpredictable very much)

I'm the "carefree" one in our group; the one everybody loves and likes; the one who can blend easily with others because of my utterly pleasing personality ------ which of course in turn, brings me into a lot of trouble sometimes. And if they're not the ones bailing me out from the mess, it's either we are all in the same mess. And I know it sounds corny already but that's what friends are for. Right now, they are the ones processing my stuffs for my school. Though they have super hectic schedules of their own; one is busy with her sign off sheets and scrubs thingamabob and the other one is starting residency next week, they still managed to squeeze me in. They are the ones doing all the enrollments and stuffs I needed for the start of school next month which was suppose to be my job if there was only an earlier flight for me to book. But since it's Holy week in the coming weeks, my travel agent can't do anything much really, she had put me on waiting lists in some flights in case but that's all she can do for now.

I don't know what's the feeling without great friends...coz I've always been blessed with great people around me and I intend to keep it that way. I'm so grateful that as I mature, I learn more and more about life and people and how to survive in this crazy world. I'm still finding myself and my happiness. Nobody says it's icing on the cake all the time. It's tough.

"Friends are the Bacon Bits in the Salad Bowl of Life."

Ay Grabe Talaga, As In.

IT was rockin' last night. My friends and I watched the "Parokya & Bamboo: Rock... Shock... & Awe" concert in Avalon (formerly Hollywood Palace) @ the corner of Hollywood Blvd. and Vine St. at around 8tish pm. Grabe todo party talaga! Bamboo started the show first and heated up the crowd with 10+ songs. Ang gwapo nya pa rin as in! And Ira too..although I don't like how his hair turned out hehe.

THEN Parokya came on next. Dang.. natalo pa ata nila ang Bamboo kasi the crowd definitely went wild at each of the songs they performed. And plus, kakatuwa si Chito ha, meron cyang mga bag of jokes! They played more than 10 songs, at more on upbeat ang pinatugtog nila, eh yung Bamboo kasi medyo serious yung iba nilang songs eh. Meron pang mga pabirong insults na nalaman si Chito sa bandang Rivermaya haha (ssshhheeesshh..)

But all is fair in love and war, hehe, I'm blessed to witnessed this head to head, back to back pinoy bands play. Kakatuwa pa kasi we were in the center talaga, tumalsik pa ang mga beers ng mga gagong nasa taas dun sa may balcony, yan tuloy hindi lang pawis ang inabot namin, naligo pa kami ng beer (grrr..) sayang tuloy yung beer mahal pa naman yun dun sa venue ha, sana binigay na lang nila sa akin "I'll take it" haha jowk!

Anyway, utang muna yung pictures ko nasa cam kse ng kaibigan ko, yun na ginamit ko kasi paltik tong cam ko ayaw mag night shots, makabili nga ng katulad na celfone ni Dos para maganda ang mga kuha pang professional (o diba shoutout kita Dos! hehe)

So ayun tapos na kwento ko. O cge na comment na. haha. Senxa na, kulang sa tulog ang kaibigan nyong c mOieee, kaya wala akong kwentang kausap weeeehhhh..

Anxiety knocks.

15 more days to go and I'll be off to venture out a yet to be an important travel in the 20-somethin years I've lived on earth. There have been major re-routing changes in my so-called life and I hope this time, it will produce a happy successful outcome. I have to find myself and where I belong so I am going back to the one place where I'm hoping to find true happiness and hoping to find myself in sync with everything else again.

I am not looking back not because it's frustrating, but because it's the past and I should move on. I can't do anything to something that doesn't seem to work. I have to let it go and carry on with another option. This is taking a chance. Taking a chance at something that would only comprise with either a "I make it or I don't."

I am going back to school again to futher my degree.

Yes, a big step because I have never imagine that this day would finally surpass the obstacles I'm having trouble with. What's the catch? Nothing much besides the fact that I'm getting it in another country away from the place I already learned to call my home; away from my family who stuck by me thru the years; and away from the life I've learned so hard to live with(now become my comfort zone).

I can't afford to mess this one up because I believe this is my last opportunity to prove to myself most especially that I am capable of accomplishing something I've finally decided on my own. Pressure? Oh hell yeah of course. I'm already starting to pack my stuff, inventoring on what I need to buy and what I need to bring. It's like bringing my whole room. My locker is almost empty, and I cry everytime I glance in it because as much as I want this for myself, I can't help but think that I may be selfish too for wanting this and leaving my favorite people in the world to look out for themselves. I am talking about my siblings, my lil sister and my lil brother. My lil broh had never left my side and so am I to him, he's the closest to me and that's hard. And my sister will be graduating middle school soon and off to high school, I will miss her getting mad at me for always looking out for her (now I guess she's finally half-free), you know how teenagers are...though she's a pain in the butt, I still don't want to leave her as well because I know somewhere inside of her she needs me too.

And my parents...I can't believe they'd agree on this. They don't always agree with my decisions coz they're almost always irrational but this time they actually thought it was for the best. And I do too. I know my mom is just talking and talking nonstop to avoid a conversation about me leaving but I can feel it. My family is so close, we do everything together. Arrgghh. It sucks leaving, especially leaving without knowing what to expect out there. It's like I'm feeding myself to the lions without nowhere else to go but forward.

Oh boy.

World's Tightest Pants

WATCH OUT ON YOUR RIGHT! hehehehe.

(click pic to enlarge)

I just wanna share this forwarded email from a friend. I was a little under the weather today and this pic did a good job of cheerin me up..a lil *winks*

Baby Let's Chill.

I went to the beach today just to chill and relax. I rented a bike and rode around pacific coast bike xing from Santa Monica to Venice Beach (about a hefty 2-3miles) not bad. I needed to get out and smell the fresh air, and I needed to take some time off from worrying about my everyday dilemma. And mostly, I kinda needed the exercise too hehe. It was pretty packed out there at the beachside; with families, couples and people wanting to do the same, chill and relax. And it was a pretty good day too, the sun was up, the wind's breeze was cool and the views were breathtaking as usual. Some days I wish life would just stay like that you know, less complicated but reality bites.

I watched Tyra Banks' show last Friday and there she talked about the "So What" in our lives. She asked her tv audience and her guests that day and many answers were related to weight, beauty and race. I thought about what my "So What" in life was and I just wanted to share what I came up with...

"So what if I'm going back to school again to further my degree...so what
if people think I'm crazy because I still want something for my own
future's benefit."

For curiousity sake, what's your "SO WHAT" in life? Care to share, write on :)

Got Tagged.

I got tagged by dreamy ychel...woohoo! I tried to dodged but it was no use, she was so fast. haha!

RULES:

*Each playah of this game starts off with ten weird things or habits or little known facts about yourself. People who get tagged must write in a blog of their own ten weird things or habits or little known facts as well as state this rule clearly. At the end you must choose six people to be tagged and list their names. No tagbacks!*

1. I prefer text than call. I'm so lazy when it comes to answering phonecalls (I'm sorry!). Not that I don't want to talk to the person, but I just always run out of words when talking over the phone I dunno really..but listening has been a great hobby for me, so when I answer calls you better have a great story to tell hehe. (this fact pisses my friends off, but they can't stand not communicating with me so they go thru the turmoil of texting haha)

2. I love the smell of new cars, old book pages, and after rain air. Yeah weird, but I do love those stuff. If you're with me, you'd notice too, after the rain I will quickly go outside and just take a deep breath and exhale cheerfully.

3. I'm such a scaredeecat. Rollercoasters, lizards, even just people dressed up as zombies or you know halloween presentations and horror booths arrgghh I want to enjoy but I just can't take my own screaming and being so jumpy hehe.

4. I'm not fond of receiving flowers (whether I receive them from sutors, dates, at a party, etc.). But I won't embarrass you by not accepting 'em, I will still accept them gladly, "the thought counts." Although if you are to bring flowers or you're a flower-giver hehe, then a single rose or tulip will do (now this gesture is pretty sexy). The last time I received flowers from someone (that was a Saturday), I then offered the flowers Sunday of the next day when I heard mass.

5. I cannot sleep without a night light (a lampshade, or a tv has to stay on till the morning).

6. I am inlove with bugs. No not those eeeky crawler bugs. hehe, but with Volkswagen bugs. I own a vintage 1973 one back in Philippines and I miss it soooo much already! It's been a long time, that car has been with me since I started going to school, till I actually got to drive it on my own thru college. His name's Kit, and he's my bestfriend, he is the only one who witnessed all dramas of my life, my sadness, madness and happiness...if he could only talk, he would have been a good biographer of my life. He makes me unique from everyone else. Of course, who the heck would be caught driving a RED ORANGE VINTAGE VW in the Philippines...only mOieee has the pizzazz! haha. Oh and yeah, it's still up and running up til now.

7. I want to live in Boston someday, or somewhere East Coast or maybe Hawaii too. I guess more travels for me in the future! (of course after I'm done with school..)

8. I collect earrings!!! Like shoes, do not get me near accessories esp. earrings because I will spend hours and hours looking at them and choosing which one is nice, when all of them are nice. hahaha! Don't say I didn't warn ya!

9. I love watching sports. I may look like the kind of ghal who would prefer cutesy patootsy stuff but as I said, looks are deceiving! I like it very much that instead of strolling around the mall, we go watch sports games (basketball, boxing whatever etc..), go mountain trekking, safari driving and do nature tripping (anything fun and adventurous). The only thing that I'll probably pass up as an adventure would be bungee jumping.. I have to be realistic sometimes that I can only do so much hahaha.

10. I still dream of becoming a television VJ or a popular recording artist hahahaha dang GURL! Just something to keep me smiling when everything else that is reachable seems otherwise. Irony of it all right? Whatdya know.. hehe I dunno either. *winks*

Wooh that was something, it took me 2days to finish this hehe... so the rule says that after listing 10 of the weird known facts about myself that I should tag SIX people to do (hopefully some will do) the same game.

Soo I tag >>>> kathie, keloyd, phia, dos, lib, and fetisha ...... have fun!

In You More Than You.

The lines of a lifetime gather like water

In places these streams are a torrent,

a raging flood, a sweeping away,

in places a careful shallow, a rockpool

still as a mirror. What I see in you is me:

an image of myself complete, as one,

more real than I could ever be.

What I see in you I cannot live to,

too much the perfect picture of myself.

So I will part, and leave to you,

the fragments of the me I seem,

this hem of guesses and glue. Im not

the me I thought I was, and tell you so

pass around the pieces and let them go.

What wears us down the most in life aren't the chances we take, but the chances we don't take, the dreams we put aside, the adventures we push away. So whatever it is you're wanting in life, go for it! and always remember that no matter what, trust your heart..

On mobile.

I wish the world would just spin faster get to my happy ever after.

So I am choking down my usual order of venti caramel macchiato here at Starbucks, while typing down this post in my phone. Oh I sooo love wi-fi, they truly make my life less ordinary than it already is and I do not have to carry my heavy laptop with me everytime like I used to. I remember my American friends would always tell me, "You're soo geeky, totally flip Ce! Good thing you don't wear glasses or it should have been perfect!" hehehe. I just can't live without my laptop that's all. Just rob my wallet but never my laptop seriously hehe.

Actually...kidding aside, I'm down today. I'm sad. I want to keep a straight face like I usually do, but I just can't hide it today. I didn't know reaching for something you really wanted when there's the opportunity already can be frustrating as not having an opportunity. No schools will dare accept me. Rejections here and there. It's sooo BS and full of crap, all of them had the same reason; the same lame excuse, I didn't see the point -- I'm beginning to believe that the educational system in that country (won't tell where) is very stereotypical, wtf.

I'm so fed up already to the point that I asked Him last night when I was driving home, "What did I ever do to upset You? What do You really want me to do? What else do I have to do, to sacrifice just so You can give me a chance to redeem myself? Tulungan Nyo naman po ako please" I know I don't have the right to question Him, but I just want to get that across. He's the only decent person I can talk to and can really help me. I stopped infront of the church last night (since it was closed) and just cried. I was already crying while I was driving, (shit I didn't realize how hard it is to drive misty-eyed btw) I don't understand anymore.

It's hard to hold up, it's hard to pretend everything is alright when truly it's not and it's hard to pose as a strong happy lady when definitely pain is crippling me into pieces.

Calling all angels... I just need a sign or two, on what to do. *big heavy sigh*

Oh the heck with you.

Fairytales are such evil little stories for young children. Every time I'm in a mess I expect a long-haired posh-speaking man riding a solid-hoofed herbivorous quadruped (ok fine fine, "a horse" in layman's term) to come trotting into my life. Then I realize I don't want a long-haired posh speaking man trotting into my life because he's the one who puts me in the bloody mess of falling in love in the first place and then hurting me like shit thereafter.

I thought there's going to be a "starting over", I'm pretty much sure that's what's said. Now I'm thinking I must be on crack that night or in some kind of booze to believe that's even possible. I mean SERIOUSLY! Who are we kidding?

At the beginning of this year I told myself that this would probably be the year I find LOVE again coz it has been damn too long since I last had my own "drama" in love/relationships department. But you know what, I'm rethinking about that again, maybe it's not a good idea this year. Yeah, can't you hear, I'm in my "running away" tone again. I'm thinking more along the lines of having a "MAN FAST" - yeah you heard me, fasting. Not only because we're going into the Lenten Season but because I got that idea from one of my fave hit tv show series, "Brothers & Sisters" on ABC. And I think it's a fabulous idea! *being sarcastic*

Am I nuts or what? hehe. I'm just annoyed really... SERIOUSLY!

Oh Snap Here It Is...

Hi ya bloggers! here's my awesome photo site ARTSY FARTSY please visit it daily! woohoo. I haven't finished uploading my pictures but it's up and running already!

Thanks ya'll. I'll talk again later, I'm quite tired and sleepy already. Mwaaaaahhhh.