Anxiety knocks.

15 more days to go and I'll be off to venture out a yet to be an important travel in the 20-somethin years I've lived on earth. There have been major re-routing changes in my so-called life and I hope this time, it will produce a happy successful outcome. I have to find myself and where I belong so I am going back to the one place where I'm hoping to find true happiness and hoping to find myself in sync with everything else again.

I am not looking back not because it's frustrating, but because it's the past and I should move on. I can't do anything to something that doesn't seem to work. I have to let it go and carry on with another option. This is taking a chance. Taking a chance at something that would only comprise with either a "I make it or I don't."

I am going back to school again to futher my degree.

Yes, a big step because I have never imagine that this day would finally surpass the obstacles I'm having trouble with. What's the catch? Nothing much besides the fact that I'm getting it in another country away from the place I already learned to call my home; away from my family who stuck by me thru the years; and away from the life I've learned so hard to live with(now become my comfort zone).

I can't afford to mess this one up because I believe this is my last opportunity to prove to myself most especially that I am capable of accomplishing something I've finally decided on my own. Pressure? Oh hell yeah of course. I'm already starting to pack my stuff, inventoring on what I need to buy and what I need to bring. It's like bringing my whole room. My locker is almost empty, and I cry everytime I glance in it because as much as I want this for myself, I can't help but think that I may be selfish too for wanting this and leaving my favorite people in the world to look out for themselves. I am talking about my siblings, my lil sister and my lil brother. My lil broh had never left my side and so am I to him, he's the closest to me and that's hard. And my sister will be graduating middle school soon and off to high school, I will miss her getting mad at me for always looking out for her (now I guess she's finally half-free), you know how teenagers are...though she's a pain in the butt, I still don't want to leave her as well because I know somewhere inside of her she needs me too.

And my parents...I can't believe they'd agree on this. They don't always agree with my decisions coz they're almost always irrational but this time they actually thought it was for the best. And I do too. I know my mom is just talking and talking nonstop to avoid a conversation about me leaving but I can feel it. My family is so close, we do everything together. Arrgghh. It sucks leaving, especially leaving without knowing what to expect out there. It's like I'm feeding myself to the lions without nowhere else to go but forward.

Oh boy.