There goes my self esteem again.

Money has been super tight lately. I don't know why, and I hate to think about it. My parents are working extra hard these days. I heard from my sis that one of the cars is for sale already. She made the 'for sale' sign herself. It pains me to see my dad frustrated about financial stuffs. And plus he fuckin hates his new job. He transferred to a nearer car company because picking up the kids has been hard. Part of this is my fault, if only I just stayed there and helped them, life would somehow ease up even just a bit. My dad rarely smiles anymore whenever we video chat and he talks about important stuffs with no humor left of him. And being a daddy's girl, I hate to see him sad. It breaks my heart and it's hard acting strong when all I wanna do is crash down. I don't even see my mom anymore, because she's always at work or sleeping from a graveyard shift. I don't have anybody to talk to about this because I'm all alone in this crazy world. So I try my best to keep it to myself and just pray that everything will turn out alright.

I knew from the moment I left my secure little world and out alone in this bigger crazier world, there will be a lot of consequences. And wearing a braver heart is tiring sometimes when I see my loved ones hard up and unhappy. If only I wasn't such a screw up before, I would have achieved success by now. But I failed, so many tries yet so many let downs. I took pity on myself that I can't do it. Depression after depression. I battled my own fear of failure. And somehow the only way to put back the pieces again was to go seek the world beyond my comfort zone. That's why I'm back in my homeland to search for answers, to make myself better and to forgive myself for doubting my own self. Probably to all who will read this, won't understand what I mean and I want to apologize that there are just some things better left unsaid.

Let's just say, behind my every smile, hides the real me wanting to break free from all the chaos and hurt I've been through the past 3 years. And it still stings every now and then.

I just wanna keep it real people.