Abandoned.

I'm crying again. I hate Mondays, most especially. The idea of eating lunch alone. Walking in the hallways alone. I'm practically alone. Again. Once more. I miss my friends who are not just some trophy friends were they're there because you're colleagues but because they really are you're friends. My sched is different from all of them and I really don't have friends in the class I'm in now and will be till I graduate.

Plus going home to a boyfriend whom I can't talk straight and have his undivided attention because the only place where he can chat with me is his office were he just sneaks out to chat most of the time and he has too much work in his hands. So he'll sends me messages every now and then but the next thing I'd know, he went home already or went somewhere because of something blah blah reasons. But I don't complain and just let the idea go because that's his life. He needs to attend to his own responsibilities at work and of course to his needs as a person too. I respect that. ( or I'm just toooooo good.)

I come to realize that I'm STILL alone. No one ever sticks around to give me company. At the end of the day, it's still me against this harsh world. No one is ever constant. I hate INDEPENDENCE. Coz I grew up being loved and my idea of being loved is the presence of people who loves me and I love surrounding me. Without the presence, I just lose it.

And so I'll sleep tonight with another teary eyed episode. And wake up in the wee hours of the morning to study. Come to think of it, the only constant thing in my life right now is... MY TEXTBOOK. It's my companion to everywhere I go. At least it can just sit there and say nothing but I know I won't feel so much abandoned because I can pre-occupy my mind by reading it or even just by mere scanning.

This is what I hate most about being USED to things or persons. Once they're gone, taken away from me, or they don't do things they normally do anymore and give me too many reasons which I know are reasonable for them but not for me...it's either I break down or I turned into this stoned person. Cold and emotionless. Better this way I guess, I can just go on with life without being mad at someone but myself. At least nobody gets hurt. Only my heart is continually bruised.