New Year's Eve

2011 is the year of the Metal Rabbit. It's the year of endurance, a year of sacrifice. My new year's resolution is to change my being needy, demanding, and paranoid. I hope and pray that this year will be the year I start working and earning to help my family. I hope this year will also be the year that starts my own travels and marvels. My sister is going to college this fall and I need to help my parents send her to school and also hopefully finance her car when we get her one. 2011, be kinder to me this year please. Help me make my dreams come true! Have a prosperous new year everyone!!! Be safe, stay away from the fireworks. ^_^

Nothing's better

So it's been raining terribly in Southern California, I can't imagine this is even normal in Cali, I thought I was in Ireland or something because of this nonstop rainy weather. But there is something about the weather that makes me review nicely and concentrate more on my work. Oh well either way, I was hoping it was snow rather than rain. My boyfriend's local board exam is done and he's now out partying the night away. I sure hope he is being a good boy like he said he would because I am. And if he is not doing what he said he is doing for the past months, then just by the snap of my fingers I can do the same things he does as well without question. But so far, I am in my best manners and good behaviors. My hatred in LDRs is already showing up. How long will I keep this up? A friend once told me a long time ago, "Ikaw? LDR? Kelan pa? Because last time I checked hindi mo kaya."So I am now proving my friend that I can surpass this, but right now, I feel like ako lang yata ang may gusto nito. Mahina yung kabilang kampo. And kapag mahina yung kabila, I feel like I'm not being loved and I feel like I don't want to trust. So this past few days, I don't feel the love at all. I feel so empty and nobody is trying to make me feel better. I'm still left alone because I'm shitty miles away. I hope someone will change all the sad feeling because I'm tired and when I give up, I will give up.

Full of Hate

Tingnan mo nga naman ang buhay o... sadyang mapaglaro. Right when I'm starting to trust him again, gagawan at gagawan mo talaga ng paraan para masira lahat. Hindi kana na awa sa akin, ayoko na maulit ang nangyari dahil hindi ko na kakayanin! Tapos eto na naman, ngayon pa na malayo na ako mas lalo ng hindi ko na mabibigyan ng trust ang lahat. Why can't men be sensitive for once? I feel like giving up already. Hindi kita binigyan ng isang pagkakataon para sirain mo na naman. Kung hindi moko mahal, sana man lang maawa kana sa akin. Kahit awa na lang.. All I did was love you, tapos konting panahon lang hiningi ko... hindi mo pa mabigay sakin na hintayin moko. Is this a curse? Kasi kung curse to, please kunin nyo na, ayoko na masaktan gusto ko na ng may magmamahal sakin na mas higit pa sa pagmamahal ko. Ayoko na napinapahirapan ako. I'm tired being good to you. Clearly, maski anong gawin ko, you just wouldn't change. Hindi naman to para sakin eh, para to sayo. Dahil ikaw ang buhay ko. Pero para yatang hindi ako ang buhay mo. So para sa ano pa to na pinagpapatuloy natin. Niloloko mo lang ako, dumdami lang ang kasalanan mo. Life is cruel but why can't you spare me of your cruelty. If loving so much hurts, then maybe giving this up wouldn't hurt as much as loving someone who is blind to see that I am real, and I am not joking around when I said that I love you right from the start. May sumpa talaga siguro ang December. Last time, December din yon. Now you know kung bakit ganito ako kagalit. Kasi parang nangyari nato noon eh. Ring a bell?

Feelin' Alone

Before I write about how lonely I am, let me take this opportunity to thank God for the approval of my eligibility for testing. 3 months din ah, but thanks for giving me patience and strength to hold on and wait. Now, I'm more eager to review and pass this exam.

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I can't help but feel alone in this cold December weather. What a wonderful way to start this month --- crying. Am I self-centered? Because this word caused my self-esteem to go down the drain again. I don't know pleasing people I love can be a dagger piercing my heart. Kasalanan ko bang sobra akong mabait, na maski nilalait lait na ko hindi ko pa rin pinapansin kasi ayoko ng gulo? How far would I go for love? Pag-ibig pa ba to? Oh isa na namang sakit na parating? I wanted him to be the one but it seems that he doesn't understand me. Meron bang boyfriend na kung tatawag ka, kelangan nyo pang mag-set ng time and date para lang makatawag? Dba, kung nagmamahalan kayo any time pwede maski 1 minute lang? Because clearly, he's not like that. I just want him to be open to me, d na cya magtago ng kung anong mang skeleton sa closet nya. How will a relationship work if trusting each other is just an option? I just don't want to lose you again kaya cguro nagkakaganito ako. Minsan mo na akong iniwan, sinaktan, do you think ganun lang kadaling makalimutan ko ang lahat? I'm trying, but you seem to be rejecting me. You told me noon na pinapabayaan kita, tapos ngaun naman, ayaw mo rin kasi lagi akong alert sa lahat ng mga ginagawa mo. What do I have to do? What more? What else? Ano ba talaga? Gulong-gulo na ko. Kung d lang tayo engaged at kung d lang ako sooo proud to announced it to the whole world, d sana ako naiipit ngayon. I feel so alone. And you are not the only one who has an exam coming up, ako din. KSP lang cguro talaga ako, kasi miss na kita and wala talaga akong matakbuhan dito. Gusto ko lang ng may kakwento, may marinig na boses, ganun lang naman kasimple hinihingi ko. We have resources like I can call you anytime...but we are not using it. I'm sorry for causing you headaches. I'm tired na rin of my own headaches. So I'll just wait kung kelan mo lang gusto. I'm not gonna demand nor request anymore. Ayoko na kasing makarinig ulit ng mga masasakit na mga salita. Happy December 1st everyone! I hope yours was a good day unlike mine.