Jeriko at 12

Time flies by sooo fast, I'm damn old already. Happy birthday buddy! I love you always and forever. Thanks for being a good boy. We raised you well. He opted for just a simple dinner at Olive Garden, with his friend Devin and Jam's friend and his as well, Reena.

Chel & Mack's Wedding

I just witnessed another lovely couple being wed today. It was held at Diamond Bar Golf Course. A small garden wedding with 100 guests more or less with purple and black theme. It was simple, yet elegant and well organized. There are some wacky blooper moments but that's just how the couples were. I am friends with the bride and so thanks Chel for inviting me to your wedding day! Time flies by so fast indeed. I never knew this day would come wherein I'd be swarmed with wedding invitations because for me, this means, I am getting older, yikes! But kidding aside, this is the stage of my life actually wherein, our barkada (group of friends) are now expanding...by expanding I mean having extensions already, bringing their girlfriends, fiance, beau, and now kids. LOL. Sometimes, I just shake my head just imagining the days when we were just transcending into a young adult, all are carefree, but now, I look at them and I can say, damn, we are old. Sometimes I ask myself, am I growing old too? Coz from the looks of it, I am quite lagging in some parts. I kinda sometimes don't want to go hang out with them because it's by partners already and I have no pair. And I kinda feel out of place frankly speaking. I mean although I do have a boyfriend but he is miles away from me and it makes me wish that he is here and that pains me. Oh well anyway, at the party I got reunited with my girlfriends also,

Some asks, if I feel pressured seeing my friends one by one disappear in the singles' list and gets married ahead of me? Well, I sometimes do, I mean who wouldn't want to be married and be with the love of your life together side by side right? But I realized just recently that we will all get there at one point in our lives, it's not a contest and if I were to be married, I want to be sure on who to marry. I get involved with men too easily but no one really sticks with me till the end so it's useless too right? I need a man who is willing to fight for me no matter how hard and complicated the situation is, I need a man who will love me for myself not because I'm a better trophy girl, I need a man who will understand that I'm not perfect and that everyday will sometimes be a challenge and I want him to handle me with care. I don't care what background he came from, what his pasts were, all I need is to know the background and past so it may help both of us later on to compromise when situations drop on us, because I, too, understand that nobody is perfect and all of us have something to hide that we are not proud of. That's why I need an honest man who can stand up for himself and defend me to whoever stands in our way. Is that too much to ask? (Yawns....) Tomorrow is a brand new day again. Back to my review materials once again. One of my friends asked me awhile ago while we were eating dinner at the reception, "So what are you doing in your house? Don't you get bored? Go relax mhenn." I answered, "Hayyy....relaxing will always be there, but my dreams will not come true if I don't put an effort reaching it." He just patted me at my back and smiled.

Friends for Keep

A good friend of mine skyped me this morning and we talked for an hour. He just wanted to check how I'm doing and that if everything is well because he sensed that I'm not in myself lately because my quotes in facebook are "hella depressing" according to him. It was not the usual "being inlove me" kind of thing. I told him he's such a stalker and he said he just got concerned that something is up, and that I am supposed to be engaged and that I am supposed to be happy about it and yet, he found me depressing and so he just checked up on me. I told him my love problem and he was surprised. He said he never heard such a complicated situation and was surprised that it would ever occur to me and not other ladies out there who can care less about their lives. He never imagined me being entangled in a situation like I have right now because he said, "You, of all people, are among the smartest ones I know, but when it comes to love, you are such a dumb blonde Cee, and why can't they just respect you and treat you right like you deserve. Are you not letting them see the goodness in you? Why are they treating you like you are not worthy of their love? I'm sorry but everytime I listen to you I get confused why they treat you like this. Damn, you are one of the few who knows what love is because you see that everyday from your parents, you have an ideal family, you grew up with all the love in the world and now that you want to share it with others, why do they keep on dismissing and taking it for granted? And you, you love too much that's also one of the problems. That's why you get hurt so much because you don't leave some love for yourself." I cried. Not because he has hurt my feelings, but because I knew he was right. "Remember that ex-girlfriend of mine before in Switz? Yeah, I was ready to marry her but because we have differences in religion we keep having problems on who is going to convert to what that everytime we have conversations we avoid and avoid and avoid the problem just so we won't fight all the time? Well, time passed by and we haven't resolve that tiny issue, so everything was put on hold until it was put off and we seperated. See, even a little problem like that is not supposed to be avoided because avoidance will not solve anything. Like what I see in both of you right now, you are avoiding the issue. Not unless you face the issue together, you will carry that burden by yourself Cee. I don't know with you but you chose to be engaged to this person you barely know, what do you want me to say to you, nice things? Because this is not a nice move coming from you. Not unless he talks to you about this then you can see if he really cares about you like he says he does. Care is a big word. You can get lost in it and you end up assuming something that won't happen. So wake up sis." All I did was listen, and at the end of our conversation I said, "I hate you." "Thank me later when both of you finally solved this, women like you are hard to find, I hope he knows he is lucky to have you and he doesn't need to pride himself so much,, he just needs to keep loving you and help you not with monetary or finding a job but just treating you right. You two are nurses, you should know better that communication is the key to everything. If there's no communication, then you can't give quality care." "Oh shhhushhh, don't talk nurse on me." (He is currently in UAE, a private nurse of a construction company) I have a lot of friends in every walks in life, some lucky and some unlucky ones in their own lives. But there are really those whom you can call the "few good ones." Those few good friends of mine, keep me sane when everything else fall apart. I value their criticism because they don't look at me as just a shallow individual. They say to me things that will hurt but will be an eye-opener to me. I don't like friends who are just there to listen, I like them to talk to me when I'm wrong to tell me I'm wrong and congratulate me when I'm right. Those are the kind of friends I am happy to have. And most of them are guys sad to say. I've always been the eldest in the family, always having to set a good example to my younger sibs, so it's nice to have close guy friends who treat me like their lil sister, like one of their buddies and just reprimand me when something is wrong with me. And I have three brothers to whom I share and knows me the most, one from New Jersey, Cebu, Ilo-UAE. Good to have them.

Reset.

I actually read and answered some nclex style questions today at the comfort of our backyard. My parents are both off today so we got to buy a wedding gift for my friend, Chearie and her husband to be, Jeff. Tomorrow I'll be going for a check up for my health because I'm still not feeling well after the incident. Then hopefully I can still review another set of questions again and not be overly distracted by loneliness again. Mom bumped into one of her co-workers before in a nursing facility and she was talking to mom telling her that she is still an LPN until now, hasn't passed nclex-RN and is almost giving up! I was surprised and that gave me a lil push to be more driven. I don't want to get stuck like that, taking an exam forever. That's a big no-no for me! I will pass it on one take, one time only. GOAL GOAL GOAL! I examined my promise ring just awhile ago and I noticed there are some "gas-gas" already because I always wear it, hehe, coz my finger got used to the fact that the ring is always there. I hope the other person who has the same ring is always wearing it too even though we are struggling with our relationship right now. I just hope we figure out how to compromise in areas that we are weak. I just hope he won't take me for granted again. I miss you ga... P.S. I dedicate Le Ann Womack's song, I HOPE YOU DANCE to my love.

St. Mary's Carnival Fair

Every year, the St. Mary's Church holds an annual fundraising event and this year, is my first time to attend one. I went with Mom and Koi while Jam was there too but with her boyfriend and friends roaming around. I enjoyed the night watching people ride those carnival rides they have and enjoyed eating some corn on a cob and beef tacos. Just a way to relieve my stress this week, ate and bonded with my fambam.

Renewed.

I'm glad all are out in the open from now on. As the saying goes, no matter how hard you try to hide it, it will still come out. I feel so empty after the incident today. Revealing to my parents and staying and waiting in the E.R. for 6 hours for more revelations and bad news, I got exhausted. Coming home and talking again to my parents... SEPT 10, 2010 is indeed going down on one of my miserable memorable days. I don't want to do it again. I got phobia from it already. I'll do it again when I'm ready. When everything is planned. I don't want to rush things anymore because I end up hurt, and I lose. It made me realized a lot that I've been taking myself for granted all the time. I don't want to be taken for granted anymore. I deserve more than this. Now that it's over, I will try to make up for myself. I will wake up from all this, and move on to my first and foremost target: TO PASS NCLEX! I will not do anything else but review and study and prepare myself for the test. I will not see my friends for the meantime and just focus with only ONE goal in mind. November is my target month. I will not let myself drown in misery and longing and sadness. I will do what I have to do and the rest will follow afterwards. I can't wait for something to just magically appear infront of me. If love is rejecting me now, then maybe as time flies by it will come back to me eventually. I will work hard and focus. Brain first before heart. That's why they are anatomically situated like that because that's how it's supposed to be. I won't force anything or anyone anymore. I'm tired. I'll let them decide if they want to be a part of my life without me looking like an idiot and getting nothing but useless hurt. This is the new me. Renewed.

Well...

Today I had Starbucks. Phew thank God! hehehe, I'm dying of loneliness here and at least having a sip of java chip frappucino on a breezy Cali weather just about increased my serotonin a bit. Oh I'm so nervous this Friday of the results, hopefully it's a good news. I can't take any more sadness right now. I need something to keep my hopes up nowadays. God help me! It's Bes Lence birthday tomorrow so Happy Birthday Bes! I know you are happy now with Elaine and everything in your life so keep up the good work buddy! I wish you all the best as always. That's just about it for today's post, I love you langga. Come what may.

Sunday Blues

So today was another one of those, boring days where all I do is stay in the house and laundry and hear mass. I've been a house buddy since I got here in Cali again. I hate everyday of it but I don't have a choice because I need to review and pass the NCLEX-RN just in one take. I cannot make any other mistake of ruining my life by not passing it. That's my only gateway to every plan I have in the bag right now. I sent my application to the Board of Registered Nursing last week so hopefully they are already reviewing it by now but they still need to wait for a little more time for my transcripts and diploma from the university. So longer wait means longer pressure to pass it because I have an ample time to study and review and everything. But you know it's nauseating most of the time to review the same book, although different set of questions, over and over again. It's like my bible and has become my comfort zone. Everywhere I go even just to buy my deodorant in a supermarket I'd have to bring it with me. When I sleep, the book is just beside me. Hahaha. My target dates are Nov-Dec 2010. I have yet to attend review classes because I want to attend when it's nearing the dates I'm taking because I want it fresh in my mind. So I'm planning to attend review classes in Kaplan from Oct 16 - Nov 7 and then by the end of November or 1st week of December that's where I take my exams. By that time I'm sure I'm ready. I need to be ready. Although I can take this exam over and over till I pass...that's not an option for me, I need to pass one time only because I want my life back. Lifetime working and serving ill people giving them the best care then can have and I need to pay debts too. Since the economy is nearing its black hole again. Sometimes I'm afraid to read the newspapers because it depresses me even more. Sacrifice is the key to everything. Hanging on to your dream and never stopping till you reach it is what I'm after nowadays. Next year is a big year for me and so I have to start somewhere to keep it going . Love my fiance so much! He is also taking his local nursing board exams on December so we have a lot in our hands right now. So pray for us! Lord help us.