New Year's Eve

2011 is the year of the Metal Rabbit. It's the year of endurance, a year of sacrifice. My new year's resolution is to change my being needy, demanding, and paranoid. I hope and pray that this year will be the year I start working and earning to help my family. I hope this year will also be the year that starts my own travels and marvels. My sister is going to college this fall and I need to help my parents send her to school and also hopefully finance her car when we get her one. 2011, be kinder to me this year please. Help me make my dreams come true! Have a prosperous new year everyone!!! Be safe, stay away from the fireworks. ^_^

Nothing's better

So it's been raining terribly in Southern California, I can't imagine this is even normal in Cali, I thought I was in Ireland or something because of this nonstop rainy weather. But there is something about the weather that makes me review nicely and concentrate more on my work. Oh well either way, I was hoping it was snow rather than rain. My boyfriend's local board exam is done and he's now out partying the night away. I sure hope he is being a good boy like he said he would because I am. And if he is not doing what he said he is doing for the past months, then just by the snap of my fingers I can do the same things he does as well without question. But so far, I am in my best manners and good behaviors. My hatred in LDRs is already showing up. How long will I keep this up? A friend once told me a long time ago, "Ikaw? LDR? Kelan pa? Because last time I checked hindi mo kaya."So I am now proving my friend that I can surpass this, but right now, I feel like ako lang yata ang may gusto nito. Mahina yung kabilang kampo. And kapag mahina yung kabila, I feel like I'm not being loved and I feel like I don't want to trust. So this past few days, I don't feel the love at all. I feel so empty and nobody is trying to make me feel better. I'm still left alone because I'm shitty miles away. I hope someone will change all the sad feeling because I'm tired and when I give up, I will give up.

Full of Hate

Tingnan mo nga naman ang buhay o... sadyang mapaglaro. Right when I'm starting to trust him again, gagawan at gagawan mo talaga ng paraan para masira lahat. Hindi kana na awa sa akin, ayoko na maulit ang nangyari dahil hindi ko na kakayanin! Tapos eto na naman, ngayon pa na malayo na ako mas lalo ng hindi ko na mabibigyan ng trust ang lahat. Why can't men be sensitive for once? I feel like giving up already. Hindi kita binigyan ng isang pagkakataon para sirain mo na naman. Kung hindi moko mahal, sana man lang maawa kana sa akin. Kahit awa na lang.. All I did was love you, tapos konting panahon lang hiningi ko... hindi mo pa mabigay sakin na hintayin moko. Is this a curse? Kasi kung curse to, please kunin nyo na, ayoko na masaktan gusto ko na ng may magmamahal sakin na mas higit pa sa pagmamahal ko. Ayoko na napinapahirapan ako. I'm tired being good to you. Clearly, maski anong gawin ko, you just wouldn't change. Hindi naman to para sakin eh, para to sayo. Dahil ikaw ang buhay ko. Pero para yatang hindi ako ang buhay mo. So para sa ano pa to na pinagpapatuloy natin. Niloloko mo lang ako, dumdami lang ang kasalanan mo. Life is cruel but why can't you spare me of your cruelty. If loving so much hurts, then maybe giving this up wouldn't hurt as much as loving someone who is blind to see that I am real, and I am not joking around when I said that I love you right from the start. May sumpa talaga siguro ang December. Last time, December din yon. Now you know kung bakit ganito ako kagalit. Kasi parang nangyari nato noon eh. Ring a bell?

Feelin' Alone

Before I write about how lonely I am, let me take this opportunity to thank God for the approval of my eligibility for testing. 3 months din ah, but thanks for giving me patience and strength to hold on and wait. Now, I'm more eager to review and pass this exam.

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I can't help but feel alone in this cold December weather. What a wonderful way to start this month --- crying. Am I self-centered? Because this word caused my self-esteem to go down the drain again. I don't know pleasing people I love can be a dagger piercing my heart. Kasalanan ko bang sobra akong mabait, na maski nilalait lait na ko hindi ko pa rin pinapansin kasi ayoko ng gulo? How far would I go for love? Pag-ibig pa ba to? Oh isa na namang sakit na parating? I wanted him to be the one but it seems that he doesn't understand me. Meron bang boyfriend na kung tatawag ka, kelangan nyo pang mag-set ng time and date para lang makatawag? Dba, kung nagmamahalan kayo any time pwede maski 1 minute lang? Because clearly, he's not like that. I just want him to be open to me, d na cya magtago ng kung anong mang skeleton sa closet nya. How will a relationship work if trusting each other is just an option? I just don't want to lose you again kaya cguro nagkakaganito ako. Minsan mo na akong iniwan, sinaktan, do you think ganun lang kadaling makalimutan ko ang lahat? I'm trying, but you seem to be rejecting me. You told me noon na pinapabayaan kita, tapos ngaun naman, ayaw mo rin kasi lagi akong alert sa lahat ng mga ginagawa mo. What do I have to do? What more? What else? Ano ba talaga? Gulong-gulo na ko. Kung d lang tayo engaged at kung d lang ako sooo proud to announced it to the whole world, d sana ako naiipit ngayon. I feel so alone. And you are not the only one who has an exam coming up, ako din. KSP lang cguro talaga ako, kasi miss na kita and wala talaga akong matakbuhan dito. Gusto ko lang ng may kakwento, may marinig na boses, ganun lang naman kasimple hinihingi ko. We have resources like I can call you anytime...but we are not using it. I'm sorry for causing you headaches. I'm tired na rin of my own headaches. So I'll just wait kung kelan mo lang gusto. I'm not gonna demand nor request anymore. Ayoko na kasing makarinig ulit ng mga masasakit na mga salita. Happy December 1st everyone! I hope yours was a good day unlike mine.

Review.

Kaplan review classes start last Saturday and Sunday. We had Ms. Wilson for the 2 days orientation. What was nice about that class is that it's fairly small size, we are 10 students, interracial. Our class is just 3 hours max and we didn't even consume the whole 3 hours during orientation because it was just an open discussion. Ms. Wilson said that it will go by harder and longer as we attend the succeeding classes. She will be giving us 65 questions to answer and rationalize each day in a 3hour class according to our scheduled topics. So far so good. At least I'm already reviewing in a class. I'm more on a live class person than answering online tests all the time. It bores me to death having to face the computer so it's nice that classes finally started. It's only every Saturday and Sunday so it's a good schedule, not so bombarded with busy week days. I'm doing the best I can, exerting all effort just to pass the NCLEX ONE TIME ONLY! Hope and pray everything will go according to plan. I can't afford otherwise.

Nothing beats prayers

I want to thank the Lord first and foremost for making me feel better. It's been a week of pain-free, blood-free symptoms for me. Prayers really helped. Thank you for answering them Lord. Mom just wanted to make sure and so we did seek a specialized medical doctor and he said I'm on my way to betterment. He didn't have to do anything on me, he just advised me and did some lab test to check if my levels are lowering down. And since I had no health insurance, my total bill was $335 all in all. Expensive really...there goes another debt. Now that I'm hopefully getting better.... Please join me in praying for my mom's health. She's been diagnosed with Cholelithiasis and she needs those gallstones removed, a procedure called laparascopic cholecystectomy. She's in antibiotic to manage the inflammation and some pain medications because she is really in so much pain right now. She is scheduled to have surgery next week, depending on the surgeon attending to her needs. Hopefully this surgery will do her well and that she'll feel better once those stones are removed. But it's her first surgery and so please pray for her. Help us cope with this crisis in our family. Help us surpass this and live a better life.

Jeriko at 12

Time flies by sooo fast, I'm damn old already. Happy birthday buddy! I love you always and forever. Thanks for being a good boy. We raised you well. He opted for just a simple dinner at Olive Garden, with his friend Devin and Jam's friend and his as well, Reena.

Chel & Mack's Wedding

I just witnessed another lovely couple being wed today. It was held at Diamond Bar Golf Course. A small garden wedding with 100 guests more or less with purple and black theme. It was simple, yet elegant and well organized. There are some wacky blooper moments but that's just how the couples were. I am friends with the bride and so thanks Chel for inviting me to your wedding day! Time flies by so fast indeed. I never knew this day would come wherein I'd be swarmed with wedding invitations because for me, this means, I am getting older, yikes! But kidding aside, this is the stage of my life actually wherein, our barkada (group of friends) are now expanding...by expanding I mean having extensions already, bringing their girlfriends, fiance, beau, and now kids. LOL. Sometimes, I just shake my head just imagining the days when we were just transcending into a young adult, all are carefree, but now, I look at them and I can say, damn, we are old. Sometimes I ask myself, am I growing old too? Coz from the looks of it, I am quite lagging in some parts. I kinda sometimes don't want to go hang out with them because it's by partners already and I have no pair. And I kinda feel out of place frankly speaking. I mean although I do have a boyfriend but he is miles away from me and it makes me wish that he is here and that pains me. Oh well anyway, at the party I got reunited with my girlfriends also,

Some asks, if I feel pressured seeing my friends one by one disappear in the singles' list and gets married ahead of me? Well, I sometimes do, I mean who wouldn't want to be married and be with the love of your life together side by side right? But I realized just recently that we will all get there at one point in our lives, it's not a contest and if I were to be married, I want to be sure on who to marry. I get involved with men too easily but no one really sticks with me till the end so it's useless too right? I need a man who is willing to fight for me no matter how hard and complicated the situation is, I need a man who will love me for myself not because I'm a better trophy girl, I need a man who will understand that I'm not perfect and that everyday will sometimes be a challenge and I want him to handle me with care. I don't care what background he came from, what his pasts were, all I need is to know the background and past so it may help both of us later on to compromise when situations drop on us, because I, too, understand that nobody is perfect and all of us have something to hide that we are not proud of. That's why I need an honest man who can stand up for himself and defend me to whoever stands in our way. Is that too much to ask? (Yawns....) Tomorrow is a brand new day again. Back to my review materials once again. One of my friends asked me awhile ago while we were eating dinner at the reception, "So what are you doing in your house? Don't you get bored? Go relax mhenn." I answered, "Hayyy....relaxing will always be there, but my dreams will not come true if I don't put an effort reaching it." He just patted me at my back and smiled.

Friends for Keep

A good friend of mine skyped me this morning and we talked for an hour. He just wanted to check how I'm doing and that if everything is well because he sensed that I'm not in myself lately because my quotes in facebook are "hella depressing" according to him. It was not the usual "being inlove me" kind of thing. I told him he's such a stalker and he said he just got concerned that something is up, and that I am supposed to be engaged and that I am supposed to be happy about it and yet, he found me depressing and so he just checked up on me. I told him my love problem and he was surprised. He said he never heard such a complicated situation and was surprised that it would ever occur to me and not other ladies out there who can care less about their lives. He never imagined me being entangled in a situation like I have right now because he said, "You, of all people, are among the smartest ones I know, but when it comes to love, you are such a dumb blonde Cee, and why can't they just respect you and treat you right like you deserve. Are you not letting them see the goodness in you? Why are they treating you like you are not worthy of their love? I'm sorry but everytime I listen to you I get confused why they treat you like this. Damn, you are one of the few who knows what love is because you see that everyday from your parents, you have an ideal family, you grew up with all the love in the world and now that you want to share it with others, why do they keep on dismissing and taking it for granted? And you, you love too much that's also one of the problems. That's why you get hurt so much because you don't leave some love for yourself." I cried. Not because he has hurt my feelings, but because I knew he was right. "Remember that ex-girlfriend of mine before in Switz? Yeah, I was ready to marry her but because we have differences in religion we keep having problems on who is going to convert to what that everytime we have conversations we avoid and avoid and avoid the problem just so we won't fight all the time? Well, time passed by and we haven't resolve that tiny issue, so everything was put on hold until it was put off and we seperated. See, even a little problem like that is not supposed to be avoided because avoidance will not solve anything. Like what I see in both of you right now, you are avoiding the issue. Not unless you face the issue together, you will carry that burden by yourself Cee. I don't know with you but you chose to be engaged to this person you barely know, what do you want me to say to you, nice things? Because this is not a nice move coming from you. Not unless he talks to you about this then you can see if he really cares about you like he says he does. Care is a big word. You can get lost in it and you end up assuming something that won't happen. So wake up sis." All I did was listen, and at the end of our conversation I said, "I hate you." "Thank me later when both of you finally solved this, women like you are hard to find, I hope he knows he is lucky to have you and he doesn't need to pride himself so much,, he just needs to keep loving you and help you not with monetary or finding a job but just treating you right. You two are nurses, you should know better that communication is the key to everything. If there's no communication, then you can't give quality care." "Oh shhhushhh, don't talk nurse on me." (He is currently in UAE, a private nurse of a construction company) I have a lot of friends in every walks in life, some lucky and some unlucky ones in their own lives. But there are really those whom you can call the "few good ones." Those few good friends of mine, keep me sane when everything else fall apart. I value their criticism because they don't look at me as just a shallow individual. They say to me things that will hurt but will be an eye-opener to me. I don't like friends who are just there to listen, I like them to talk to me when I'm wrong to tell me I'm wrong and congratulate me when I'm right. Those are the kind of friends I am happy to have. And most of them are guys sad to say. I've always been the eldest in the family, always having to set a good example to my younger sibs, so it's nice to have close guy friends who treat me like their lil sister, like one of their buddies and just reprimand me when something is wrong with me. And I have three brothers to whom I share and knows me the most, one from New Jersey, Cebu, Ilo-UAE. Good to have them.

Reset.

I actually read and answered some nclex style questions today at the comfort of our backyard. My parents are both off today so we got to buy a wedding gift for my friend, Chearie and her husband to be, Jeff. Tomorrow I'll be going for a check up for my health because I'm still not feeling well after the incident. Then hopefully I can still review another set of questions again and not be overly distracted by loneliness again. Mom bumped into one of her co-workers before in a nursing facility and she was talking to mom telling her that she is still an LPN until now, hasn't passed nclex-RN and is almost giving up! I was surprised and that gave me a lil push to be more driven. I don't want to get stuck like that, taking an exam forever. That's a big no-no for me! I will pass it on one take, one time only. GOAL GOAL GOAL! I examined my promise ring just awhile ago and I noticed there are some "gas-gas" already because I always wear it, hehe, coz my finger got used to the fact that the ring is always there. I hope the other person who has the same ring is always wearing it too even though we are struggling with our relationship right now. I just hope we figure out how to compromise in areas that we are weak. I just hope he won't take me for granted again. I miss you ga... P.S. I dedicate Le Ann Womack's song, I HOPE YOU DANCE to my love.

St. Mary's Carnival Fair

Every year, the St. Mary's Church holds an annual fundraising event and this year, is my first time to attend one. I went with Mom and Koi while Jam was there too but with her boyfriend and friends roaming around. I enjoyed the night watching people ride those carnival rides they have and enjoyed eating some corn on a cob and beef tacos. Just a way to relieve my stress this week, ate and bonded with my fambam.

Renewed.

I'm glad all are out in the open from now on. As the saying goes, no matter how hard you try to hide it, it will still come out. I feel so empty after the incident today. Revealing to my parents and staying and waiting in the E.R. for 6 hours for more revelations and bad news, I got exhausted. Coming home and talking again to my parents... SEPT 10, 2010 is indeed going down on one of my miserable memorable days. I don't want to do it again. I got phobia from it already. I'll do it again when I'm ready. When everything is planned. I don't want to rush things anymore because I end up hurt, and I lose. It made me realized a lot that I've been taking myself for granted all the time. I don't want to be taken for granted anymore. I deserve more than this. Now that it's over, I will try to make up for myself. I will wake up from all this, and move on to my first and foremost target: TO PASS NCLEX! I will not do anything else but review and study and prepare myself for the test. I will not see my friends for the meantime and just focus with only ONE goal in mind. November is my target month. I will not let myself drown in misery and longing and sadness. I will do what I have to do and the rest will follow afterwards. I can't wait for something to just magically appear infront of me. If love is rejecting me now, then maybe as time flies by it will come back to me eventually. I will work hard and focus. Brain first before heart. That's why they are anatomically situated like that because that's how it's supposed to be. I won't force anything or anyone anymore. I'm tired. I'll let them decide if they want to be a part of my life without me looking like an idiot and getting nothing but useless hurt. This is the new me. Renewed.

Well...

Today I had Starbucks. Phew thank God! hehehe, I'm dying of loneliness here and at least having a sip of java chip frappucino on a breezy Cali weather just about increased my serotonin a bit. Oh I'm so nervous this Friday of the results, hopefully it's a good news. I can't take any more sadness right now. I need something to keep my hopes up nowadays. God help me! It's Bes Lence birthday tomorrow so Happy Birthday Bes! I know you are happy now with Elaine and everything in your life so keep up the good work buddy! I wish you all the best as always. That's just about it for today's post, I love you langga. Come what may.

Sunday Blues

So today was another one of those, boring days where all I do is stay in the house and laundry and hear mass. I've been a house buddy since I got here in Cali again. I hate everyday of it but I don't have a choice because I need to review and pass the NCLEX-RN just in one take. I cannot make any other mistake of ruining my life by not passing it. That's my only gateway to every plan I have in the bag right now. I sent my application to the Board of Registered Nursing last week so hopefully they are already reviewing it by now but they still need to wait for a little more time for my transcripts and diploma from the university. So longer wait means longer pressure to pass it because I have an ample time to study and review and everything. But you know it's nauseating most of the time to review the same book, although different set of questions, over and over again. It's like my bible and has become my comfort zone. Everywhere I go even just to buy my deodorant in a supermarket I'd have to bring it with me. When I sleep, the book is just beside me. Hahaha. My target dates are Nov-Dec 2010. I have yet to attend review classes because I want to attend when it's nearing the dates I'm taking because I want it fresh in my mind. So I'm planning to attend review classes in Kaplan from Oct 16 - Nov 7 and then by the end of November or 1st week of December that's where I take my exams. By that time I'm sure I'm ready. I need to be ready. Although I can take this exam over and over till I pass...that's not an option for me, I need to pass one time only because I want my life back. Lifetime working and serving ill people giving them the best care then can have and I need to pay debts too. Since the economy is nearing its black hole again. Sometimes I'm afraid to read the newspapers because it depresses me even more. Sacrifice is the key to everything. Hanging on to your dream and never stopping till you reach it is what I'm after nowadays. Next year is a big year for me and so I have to start somewhere to keep it going . Love my fiance so much! He is also taking his local nursing board exams on December so we have a lot in our hands right now. So pray for us! Lord help us.

Hawaii

I was tired of reviewing today and so I was just surfing the net for hospitals that would accept new graduate RNs because not too many hospitals here in Ca are hiring new graduates without experience so it's not only a problem of the 3rd world countries anymore. Even the 1st world is experiencing this dilemma now. So I was surfing, I got curious of how Hawaii is doing as to their employment. To my surprise, I liked what I read from one of the hospitals there. They offer a new graduate training program with pay! Depending on the unit you want to be in, it corresponds to the number of weeks they will train you. For me, I've never decided on a specialty yet but my mom encourages me to have one in case there are openings and so I can be trained in those specialty areas. It got me thinking to Peds. NICU is a specialty unit, and it just randomly fit my aura. I'm petite and taking care of adults here in US, I mean seriously? They are heavy and so I don't know if I can handle working with adults that long without annoying other RNs for help all the time haha. NICU is a very delicate specialty. My mom was surprised when I opened asking about NICU if it's a specialty. She said yes and gladly that one hospital in Hawaii offers new graduate programs for NICU too. Hmm... more inspirations! My mom said to apply in Hawaii after I pass the board exam because it's a pretty deal come to think of it. I mean imagine, being able to work in Hawaii??? I know I never did imagine that. I dreamed of having a vacation in Hawaii but working there? hahaha, that''s a first! It's really inviting. It's luring me and pressuring me more to pass this exam. Phew! As I said, one step at a time because I can't afford to miss even just one step anymore. I have so many plans to make this year and the next year. And I'm going to have a list here soon of those plans that I'll be making and doing. I miss my fiance. Sometimes I wish I can just fast forward to the time I can be in his arms again and we can both be working, earning and living together. So much to accomplish, I'm already hyperventilating just typing this post. HELP ME LORD!

Start of the Next Chapter, or so I hope

I am now back in Cali and immediately hitting the review books my mom collected for me from her colleagues at the hospital. I recently graduated my Bachelor of Science in Nursing and I am now a graduate nurse. Yepp, so cool isn't it? No more case presentations, no more tambay2x (hang-out) at coffee-shops till the wee hours of the morning with group-mates or duty-mates, and no more hospital duties where you don't get paid and you even get yelled at for nothing by some moody clinical instructors. But not only that you know, I now miss drinking sessions with my barkada (friends) and just strolling in malls and dining out with my girlfriends like time wasn't even the least concern. Simply, I just had fun. And now, I am back to reality with one goal at a time.

The first and top most goal I have right now is to PASS THE NCLEX-RN board examination on one take. I have a lot of inspirations brought with me in my heart if you haven't not read on my other site, that I have all the drive and passion to pass this exam. I already had a late-start of everything, I don't want to ruin it by not passing. I have to move forward head strong and heart in place!

Everything Happens for a Reason

A lot has changed since this post was written. I graduated my Bachelor's Degree in Nursing last June 26. Woohoo! My whole family was there to attend except for Koi who was sick on the day with massive attack of amoeba. But nevertheless it was my day, and it felt good.

Then my family and I went to a whirlwind series of trips to around the major cities of Philippines since it was vacation time. We went to Boracay, it was practically a good time to come since it wasn't that hot anymore and then we went to Cebu and then lastly Manila. There were a lot of places to mention, places only I've seen on pictures that are now in my brain memory. Thanks to Tito Tony and Tita Anne for your services and hospitality.

HIM.

The more I am away from you,
The more I want you here.
The more I do without your love,
The more I want you near.

I know that it makes little sense
To want what's not around,
But there's just one true love for me
And that's the one I've found

in YOU.

Hiding the Truth

From the first day I saw you
I knew it was true
that I'd love you always and forever
and thats what I'll do.

I've said I was over you
I've pretended to move on
but without you in it
my life has gone wrong.

I've dated
but i feel kinda bad
cause no matter who comes along
I'll always miss what we had.

I'll always love you
You were my last and only love
when I go to bed and wake-up
you're always the one I'm thinking of.

Ive been hiding the truth
Since we haven't been together
but the truth is
I'll love you always and forever.

AU REVOIR Batad!

Last Sunday, May 30, 2010. I said goodbye to the adopted community I learned to love and serve, Batad, Iloilo. It has been a long while since we got back and I was so glad I had the opportunity to go back one last time for this year, thanks Iloy! We gave out school supplies and met the with the scholars from 2nd grade to incoming 6th grade.

As usual the food was awesome, SEAFOOD! yummm... and the people were as ever friendly as could possibly be. So it's a mixed emotion for me, seeing as it could be my last time to visit Batad again. But as long as Iloy continues her good deed, I will too! Unlike the rest of the CES members whom I won't mention names, they were just in it for the sake of their grades when we were in our 3rd year. But for me, it's not. I joined this community extension because I have a passion for helping, volunteering and serving the less fortunate and what better way to pursue it is to join and be a part of CES.

I don't brag, it's just the truth that's all. Yearning for a family is difficult but I survived because I made a 2nd family out of these people. They may not know me deeply but that's okay as long as I see them happy seeing our presence, and our tokens for them.

Hey! I'm an Aquarian, known to be humanitarian. So I'm standing proud it! ^_^

Check out some of the pictures I linked by clicking on the title of this post. Hope the link works. Enjoy!

Can something so right feel so wrong?

It's like when you've achieved a goal in your life but then you don't feel so fulfilled because you feel like you have missed out on something?

It's like waking up one day, and your shitty days have somehow vanished and began experiencing lucky shots but then at the end of the day you still ask yourself, "Was that for real"?

It's like meeting someone who has most of the good potential you're looking for in a man and yet though moments together are wonderful but then when you climb to bed alone at night you still feel empty and unsatisfied?

Those are just examples of how I understand the question I entitled my blog post for tonight. In one way or another, all of us felt something kinda like that. Had a good day and yet still left unsure and wanting more.

These past couple of weeks flew by fast. I was in a sorry-ass mode months ago and now things started rather pretty quickly and sudden that I just wanted everything to halt for just a second and take a breather because though things are doing well, I feel nauseated and choked. I mean I know I want this, it's just that I don't know if I need this in a rush mode though. I'd rather go for a slow but steady pace. Taking one step at a time. But it seems like the people around me are trying to pressure me to move a little more quicker because my life is like a tv series, the more action, the juicier the details I guess.

Well lemme remind all the blogger viewers out there, that the last time I rushed into things, it didn't go very well. So let me be for a while. Just go with me on this one people.

What happens in Boracay, Stays in Boracay

April 22-25, 2010: Whatta great summer it is!!! 4 days and 3 nights? WORTH EVERY MOMENT! Inspite the scorging heat and crowded white shoreline, we still managed to have the time of our lives, with one single motto: "What happens in Boracay, stays in Boracay!"

I wasn't really expecting much and I never thought he could make it. But when he says he will, he will find a way indeed, now proven. Poor guy though! He was all the way from Sara having completion duties for a week on a graveyard shift (11-7), and when Friday morning came, he rushed to go back to the city, packed his things for an hour and then headed again for the next bus ride to Caticlan! He didn't have proper sleep the whole day, since they had 2 DDRs in the wee morning, just short naps probably in the bus --- yeah all the hassle, just to make it to Boracay with me. I did try to tell him that it was okay if he can't go there, since his schedule was quite fully booked with completions already....but it didn't stop him, he even insisted that it doesn't matter at all. All he cared about is spending time with me, making our first date, our first adventure possible and memorable. He made it, arrived around 7:30pm.

It's crazy but it's true. Tired and all, I can very much tell, but he never complained. My friends planned to go out enjoy that night, and he still went with us, bonded with my friends almost instantly. At 2am, I can't take it anymore my conscience is killing me, I wanted him to have some much needed rest already so I told my friends that both of us would be heading back to the b&b first and that then can follow afterwards if they're done partying. It was a quiet walk back to where we were staying. Then I spoke up, "I can't believe you're here na, sabi ko naman sayo ok lang sakin if you can't make it, I'll understand naman" and smiled. He smiled back, "Diba sabi ko susunod ako, at wala naman sakin yun, basta kasama lang kita. It's our first travel together, making way for the many first that would come our way."

The next day, we are scheduled for boat sailing at 6am. I didn't bother waking him up and insisting on letting him go with us because he needed that extra hours of sleep. Aww...concern na nga ba ako? ^_^ Even my friends were concerned as well na wag na lang cyang gisingin. Sympre ako na ang topic the whole morning of boat sailing, na grabe daw ang effort, sundan ba naman ako sa BORA! Ako pa sinisi kung bakit ko daw pinagod yung tao. Eh sabi ko naman its his choice, he even insisted when I said it was alright if he can't come. When we headed back to our rooms after the boat ride, he was already awake, having coffee at the little veranda outside our room. He was now more conversant and more like himself. We talked and got to know more of each other. Random things were exchanged, from favorites to dislikes. He laughed when I said I don't eat cake only brownies or basta same consistency as brownies, and I'm lactose intolerant. Sabi nya good thing he didn't bring me a cake to celebrate daw sana yung first adventure namin, kasi he'll end up eating the cake din pla. Tapos biglang he added, "Papano na nga pla sa wedding natin, eh d naman pwedeng walang cake, traditional yun slicing and eating, eh d ka pala kakain?" with a smile. I laughed! Bakit naman napunta sa wedding na kaagad! Namula ang lola nyo. Sabi ko na lang, "Eh d dapat yung cake, brownie na consistency para makain ko!" Napatawa cya. Tapos biglang nagmoment of silence. We looked at each other and we knew deep down there kinilig kaming pareho, wala lang nagsalita.

We had our first lunch, pochero! And we ate the remaining 2 fried chickens from the brunch my friends left for us. Habang continue ang getting to know more portion. We talked about our families. He opened up a lot of things to me, past and present; how he ended up in Iloilo; his habits good and bad and many others. And vice versa. I asked how he knew I was single. Or if he only knew it nung binyag ni Yasha (Barbie's, one of our common friends, daughter). He said no, actually he already knew na for quite some time. Si Paulaling daw ang nagtext at nagbalita sa kanya, and naconfirm din because madami na rin cyang naririnig. So I told him that it was since January, actually even before that. And told him all he needed to know lang (because what he doesn't know can't hurt him).

I asked him kung kelan nya na realized na may feelings pala cya sakin. Na shock ako sa answer.

HE: Matagal na. Una tayong nagmeet sa Annex after capping. Dun kina Tyke sa Dumangas, the next day na realize ko na tinamaan ako sayo.

SHE: Ha?? Lasing na lasing ka naman nun! How would I know you meant what you said. You were calling me, Your my Vitamin C. (laughed)

HE: Inaamin ko madami na akong nainom pero that's the only way I can say my true feelings. Nawawala ang hiya. Teka nga pero nung time na yun, kayo na ba?

SHE: D pa ah. Mga after checking ng Pharma test papers, kinabukasan pa end of 1st sem ba yun, tsaka na naging kami. May bf pa kasi ako sa Dubai nun pero malabo na rin so I ended up with him na muna bago naging kami kasi d ako ganyang klaseng babae.

HE: Ahh iba kasi narinig ko. Napinagsabay mo daw sila.

SHE: NGEE! D ko magagawa yun!

HE: Nagbreak kayo ng taga Dubai dahil sa kanya?

SHE: No, nagbreak kami kasi he doesn't trust me with him. Tulad din ng akala mo, madami rin cyang narinig pero instead of going to me, he chose to believe others, at mga paliwanag hindi na napakinggan. Sayang nga kala ko cya na.

HE: Ahh. That makes sense. Kung alam ko lang sana, ako na lang at hindi na cya. D ka pa napahamak dahil wala akong lihim na tinatago.

SHE: (smiled)

HE: Hindi kasi klaro. The next thing I knew kayo na. Kung alam ko lang na ganun.

SHE: Hmm..pero d mo alam na aalis na ko not until recently?

HE: Yeah d ko alam. Akala ko your still going to take the board this Dec. Nagulat nga ako. Pero d bale susundan kita dun. Kukuha lang ako ng board. If not magtotourist ako. Maski Canada dun sa brother ko, at least malapit na yun kaysa dito.

SHE: Yeah pero ang hirap na pumasok dun tapos nurse kapa. Sympre may show money tapos dapat may properties ka na naiwan dito kung tourist ka. As proof.

HE: Yung mini grocery namin sa Bataan pwede ko namang ilagay sa pangalan ko kung kinakailangan. Basta, don't worry. Nasundan na nga kita dito, simula pa lang to. I will follow you.


The rest of the Bora days were spent walking, laughing, talking, holding hands, blushing, smiling, teasing, picture-taking --- all the works! Mas hinahanap pa cya ng mga close friends ko kaysa sa akin! Gosh hehe! Cya na ang bago nilang best friend. hehe! But anyway, I'm happy, it's like 2010 just started for me, when I thought things are just going downhill, he showed up, starts picking up the broken pieces of my heart and share a piece of his to me without rush and opportunistic ideation. I really appreciate everything he's been doing so far. He respects me, the one quality most of the guys I've been with, lack.

You know how sometimes, I kinda have this crazy fantasy of having a summer love thing, that walking along the beach holding hands kinda thing, staring at the moonlight quietly together with a faded background music churva ek ek??? Well, guess what, it's so much better in reality! Kinda like those pocketbooks I've read back in high school, and those short stories I've written growing up, I never thought it could happen, I never thought magic can exist away from the pages of a perfectly good Nicholas Sparks' romance novels! But... as they say:

REAL LOVE STORIES NEVER HAVE ENDINGS!

May nagTEXT!

HE:

The best part of being in love is when you just love a person and be happy about it!

SHE: RU inlove? hehehe

HE:

every second with you!

SHE: Dasig man ba, hehehe hinay hinay lang.

HE:

Huo eh, kay karon bse may makauna pa sakon na taga-states pangaluyag

SHE: Grabe ka man. hehehe

HE:

biskan hindi ko tani gusto wala ko right/power to stop you kay kinanlan mo na

SHE: Maapas ka gid man to haw? daw kabudlay man magsulod.

HE:

D ba i told u that after i get all the exams here, hambal ni auntie may work na ko didto sa texas ako na lang ginahulat. if ever as tourist ok man ky may brother man ko sa ontario,canada. damo options i will find you. ok na po ma'am?

SHE: Much better.

Taking the Passenger Seat!

Masarap pala ang feeling ng nakasakay sa passenger seat ng sarili mong sasakyan noh? Something I don't experience every so often in my life, and what better way to experience it again with someone last night, ay este kanina... umaga na pla kasi. Anyway this is what happened.

Because words are just mere words without actions involved, he decided to take some action. I didn't think he was serious enough to see me without the company of our group in school until tonight. I was with my close girlfriends today strolling around when he texted if we could meet up, if he could visit at home. Naloka ang lola sympre abay manliligaw ata haha! So quickly I told him I'm with my friends and I'm not sure until when. Aba! hindi nagpaawat...he replied saying he'll wait. One of my friends asked what's bothering me because I unintentionally became silent. And I told them about him. They laughed. It's no surprise for them already whenever I have this kind of dilemma, sanay na daw sila. One even joked, "Why don't you invite him to have dinner with us? In that way we can all meet him. Who could better entertain your sutors than us?" In which I have to agree. They are the best panel of critics ever in this planet and compared to my meek attitude, these ladies will surely have something to say, that's how dorky they are, and proud of it too :)

So anyway I didn't text him back, I was too afraid and nervous to meet him away from the comfort of our common friends. And around dinner time, he did not only text but tumawag na talaga! Hahaha. He ask if we are still meeting up. I was actually looking for excuses but couldn't find anything useful seeing as my girlfriends were all looking at me with same expression, widely grinning. I told him if we could meet some other time because I don't know what time I'm going to be done bonding with my friends. Ala eh.... he insisted! He told me that he has 2 days duty in Antique and 5days duty in Sara after, so like the whole week of next week, he'll not be around the city and he added that he likes to meet my friends too. Awww... who could say no to that afterwards? So I invited him to have coffee with us since we're done eating dinner. You could hear from the tone of his voice when he said thanks that he was damn excited. Hahaha!

We finally met. I introduced him to my friends and he was heck quiet! Good thing my friends were asking him questions, sharing fun stories, and later at the end of the night, he started warming up already and share his own both funny and serious stories, the way I've known him (actually he chose his topics to share very appropriately, not like the usual random rants he blurts which is for me, impressive) and my friends had a nice time. Actually I was more nervous for him than he himself. Silly! Then as the night passed by we transfered to one of my friend's house, she invited us over for a drink since she was meeting with her buddies from college there too. Talks, laughs continued and the works.. As to both of us, we talked too, mostly regular stuff since you can very well tell that he is nervous too hehehe! Seriously, he do glance my way every so often which I can very well tell because of my peripheral vision :) and its weeiiiirrrrdddd. Anyway, another highlighted thing I liked aside from impressing my friends in a subtle way, was taking my half full 2nd bottle of beer away from me silently and placed it infront of him replacing his finished bottle because at that very moment, we did stare at each other and its like he was telling me, "I think you had enough beer for the night, you don't need to finish that." His non-verbal communication worked. I didn't bother asking nor arguing anymore because it was one of the nicest things a guy ever did to me. He didn't need to wait till I pass out drunk or wait till I say I'm too drunk Ill stop now, instead he had the initiative to step up for me and at that moment, I feel secured that I'm being cared for, that someone is looking out for me for real without me doing something first.

I sat quietly afterwards, thinking about it while not making it too obvious that I can't hear any of the talks and laughs because I was in my own little world, just thinking.

When it was time to go, we excused ourselves and head home. Now it was more awkward than ever because this time, there was nobody there anymore except for the two of us. When we were nearing Jaro plaza he said I'll just drop him off there because he can just take a taxi home. He said that he is not used to seeing me, having to drive him home. I laughed. I told him it was ok that I don't mind but he insisted! I laughed. I stopped, literally stopped in the middle of the road. (if you know me well, you know how I do it right, LOL) I looked at him and said, "Is this about pride?" He laughed. He said it wasn't about that but.......and he had a long answer I was just smiling at him, frankly didn't really paid much attention to what he said but I saw him blushing.

"So okay...you know how to drive right?" I asked. He looked at me questionably and answered, "Yes". "Hmm...so why don't you drive yourself home, and I'll drive myself home as well, in that way it's fair and no pride and favors are stepped on. Do we have a deal?" He sat there for a moment trying to digest the idea and though seemingly crooked, it was the fairest thing two drunk people can come up, he agreed. So yes.... I let him take over the wheel and I scooted to the passenger seat. When he was ready to drive, he looked at me, shook his head and smiled. He probably realized that I'm such a dork myself. Then he blurted out, "Din ka manaog nong?" And he laughed, he's back in his old self again. Being in the passenger seat, I never realized till that night how comfy it feels to be just sitting there for a change. Haayyy naku. In fairness, he was a pretty safe driver. Or he's just probably driving safely to impress me? I dunno. But he's pretty good. Eventhough how narrow the road was in the street where his aunt's house was, he still managed to backed up and made a U-turn so smoothly so that it wouldn't be so hard for me to go out of that street. When we pulled over infront of the house, we bid goodbye, said our thanks and I went home. Smiling.

A text message came soon after, which reads:

"My life doesn't seem such a waste because of you. We should be
lovers, and that's a fact."

No reply was needed. He's not so good at keeping his feelings to himself either. It's all over his FB na. :)

TIME WILL TELL. TIME WILL TELL INDEED.

Mwah

Good early morning madlang people! I know I'm supposed to be sleeping already but there's just something that keeps me out of it obviously. And no, no... I'm not going to do the whole EMO-tional melodramatic blog post that I've been doing for the past 2 or something months now hehehe! Yeah took me that long huh, yikes!

Well anyway, someone made me smile tonight. It was so out of the blue. I never knew that person had been there at a distance, just watching, trying maybe, and that all this time I just completely ignored him because I thought that he was just in it for the show. But now I realized he was doing it because he wanted me to be aware that he exists somehow.

Ahhh...

You think I'm going to go through another whirlwind romance thingy? Hmm.. not yet. I'll enjoy singlehood for a while, but you know, I'm not getting any younger either so I hope it won't be a long wait again.

He's right, time will tell. He said, "Punta naman ako U.S. if not this year, early next year. I will find you." Naks, bigla ko na sanang kainin ang celphone ko...kinilig ang lola eh pano ba yan! hehe! But I won't hold on entirely to that thought because I can't deal with expectations anymore, they eat the best of me. So, for now its a good start, I'll try to make it as one of my inspirations for a new beginning.

It ain't easy you know. I'll just be around. I'm tired pleasing anybody right now. I want them to please me instead, and I'm not that hard to please. I laugh at corny jokes, how hard can it be? hehehe!

Ok, now my rant is over. I'll head to bed because I have a big day tomorrow. I'm going to line up to renew my passport at DFA office. Yeah, sarcastically fun. Ciao for now!

What a Week!

At long last! This week I got to finish my scrub requirements, thanks to Maam Idemne! This means that I am finally inches away from graduating. I know it's supposed to be a joyful moment that I'm finally done with the scrub thingys..but it's really a mixed emotion. Being done with them also means that nothing's going to stop me from leaving..soon. Arrghh.

It's funny because I don't see many of my classmates anymore, we all became busy with our own lives from then on and it sucks because when I leave, not only will I not see them but they will just become a part of my 2nd college life memory and that's all there is to it. I will again meet another new set of people to love and cherish back in the states and be with my old friends back home too which I dearly miss. But it will never be the same again.

Oh gosh, it pains me to think about it, how much more blog about it huh. I know I'm not the only one feeling this way, the sadness, the longing that it's nearly over; but we can't stop time and we have to step on and move on to another chapter, turn another page of our lives and I'd say bring it on! I may not have started this year right, but it doesn't mean it ends there. I am now wearing my positive thinking cap and I'd be embracing what lies ahead for me because ----------

"the only way to greatness is moving forward"

I'll be typing up my scrubs forms and meet the requirements and turn them all in hopefully this Monday. Then I'm going to hit the NCLEX books because I am going to take the NCLEX exam later this year so that I can finally work as US RN. Cool to hear huh! Yup it is and that's my primary goal this year, to grab that license and be the number one! Yeah beybeh! hehehe!

Too many things to do still. So I gotta park my laptop for the night and hit the sacks. Have a beautiful beauty sleep everyone! Happy Sunday!

Shit.

Drunk last Monday and look where it got me today. We had our final hospital duty today and it was awkward. At the corridors of the ward, when walking pass other wards, people stare, and I hate it when people stare. Some were asking me if I'm okay when they very well know the answer to their question at the back of their heads. But I didn't have an answer to a "How are you?" question this week anyway so I never answered but just forced a smile. I don't want to comment anymore because I noticed that the more I say something, the more people get confused.

But oooohhhhh weeeellll!

I can very well now see why my dad, the night before I left for the Philippines to get my B.S degree 3 years ago, advised me to be careful of the people in our hometown. He said, the draw back of being a US citizen or a green card holder living in the Philippines is that, people here would always tend to think that whoever comes close to us and or make friends with us or more than friends with us, are just using us because of our status... And those kind of people who think of those awful things are just envy that they aren't as close as those people who became closer to us. And one thing I've learn from him is looking and seeing beyond that, and allowing people to respect and love me how they want it to be. And getting to know them individually, so that I can distinguish a friend from a poser.

I now understand what he meant by that. I saw those kinds of people and I hate those people because they ruin happy endings. I'm so tired of drama. Someone said not to drown myself, but it's too late for that, I'm already drowning in my own misery and the only way to get out of this misery is to leave. And I'm about to, not a wonderful last moment of experience here in this chapter of my life but every past experience leads to a new one and I'm just going to look forward for that.

Sick n tired of this shit already. Wait..haven't I said this over and over!?!? Arrrgghh.

A Lot to Take in. Tsk.

School's finally over and Yehey for me, I've done my part and I'll be graduating this May. I am happy, really... but you know the feeling of not really bursting out of happiness kind of feeling? Yeah well, that's what I'm feeling right now and you probably know why.

Now that I'm done, I have no choice but to leave and go back to California for the second time around and for good. I know it's suppose to be great, living in the land of milk and honey, but that's how people who haven't live there say, for me it's different, it's really different compared here and for 3 years of my stay here in the Philippines it saddens me to leave those wonderful people I've met and those people who left a mark in my heart and helped me feel welcome here.

And yeah you can say that I've been here done that leaving part thingy but that was before, there's an enormous difference now, and leaving the second time around sucks and darn hurts. I've already established rapport and when your not so young anymore, it's already complicated when change is directed towards you. Now I have to establish another one of my winning self when I go back to Cali because it's a different ballgame out there but I'm pretty positive that I'd make it far and successful.

But right now, I'm just so bummed out, getting a call from dad that he already arranged my plane ticket back home and stuffs like that, and the date is really fast approaching so I don't know, mixed emotions really.

*BIG SIGH* Soooooooo freakin' sad dude..

Crash and Burn

What a way to start the new year with a BANG of lies, truth, honesty, and hurt. When I said I'm just going to wing my resolutions, I didn't mean it in a negative sorta way. Now, it started heavily and I might as well disintegrate into tiny pieces. I won't elaborate the whole story here because repeating the whole story just hurts me even more. All I can say is.... I'm not mad, just disappointed. Disappointed especially to those people whom I trusted would tell me the truth eventhough how tough or painful it would bring me. They even thought I was "paranoid" whenever I ask them anything. Hello?! Haven't you heard about a woman's intuition? C'mon it's almost oftentime right on the dot. And I don't think "waiting for the right moment to tell" is even the question here the fact that they have the whole December to tell me and they didn't. Bro gave them the chance to tell me and imagine how tough it is for them to keep something so small yet so valuable to me, damn it must have been hard on their part too. So Bro decided I needed a drastic change in my life, and sent an angel instead, yes of course in a form of another human, who might do Bro some justice in laying out the GOOD news to me before it's too late.

In short, I found out. My heart pounded so loudly that I think I have to see my cardiologist again for my freakin cardiomegaly (the slight enlargement would probably be not so slight anymore). From the moment I found out until now, is like having a last song syndrome wherein I can't eat because I feel nauseated, I avoid crowds because I feel like I'm going to yell at them, and I can't sleep which brings me back to my insomnia and have to take Iterax 2mg this past nights just to lull myself to sleep. My one week duty rotation was a mess, I literally dragged myself to the duty area and had a robotic nature for the remaining days of stay. To add up, I didn't have a score on a handle I was hoping to have. So whoopee. When everybody found out that I knew the whole story already, the "sorrys" where a given reaction already. Many were confused and blamed the angel who told me which in fact they don't have the right to blame anyone because they were already given the chance to tell me what they know even though it's just a small thing and yet they let it pass assuming it's okay and telling it would ruin the moment. Well, need I say more? It's been done. No sorrys, no blames can take away another scar formed.