Sarcastic. Cynical. Mad. - Oops I'm talking about myself again!

It's already 12:20am California time right now and I'm still doing the laundry. hehehe! Yup I love doing laundries at night because the environment is solemn and peaceful, no lil brother watching wrestling mania on tv with a volume at max and no lil sister talking irritatingly to her boyfriend like they're a match made in heaven or something. Ugh. I know I'm quite irritated these past few days because my life is disturbed right now. I don't know if I will be having a somehow "good" start this 2009 but I doubt, yet I'm quite used to the same scenario anyway. Oh well, what's new!

I'm sure this year it will be more dramatic than ever and of course, the tons of schoolworks we will be facing as our NCM professor has had a long holiday break from our success mission in Batad last December 20th-22nd. OH right! I haven't written about that yet, don't worry in my next or so post I will, I left my usb drive in PI and the pics were there too so I'll trying posting when I get back from this break. HAH. BREAK. I love the term! I get soooo cynical just mentioning about it. Boohoo don't mind me. This always happened when my heart is full of hurt and pain.

This year, I'll try to change for the better and more productive me. I will try get involve with school works and activities, CES and just help out other people make the most of their lives because it's much more precious than sitting around moping and crying for the useless son of a gun who ruined my heart again. (Sorry for the lack of terminology, but that's the EXACT word I want out of my very mouth right now. At least I didn't cuss.)

As my friend Lexxu said, "ENOUGH BOYS FOR YOU MOI."

Yeah, ok fine I'll die an old maid then. My aunt would be so happy there's her niece following her lil footsteps. Ugh.

K.A.R.M.A.

Sometimes we just can't explain what's happening in our own lives. It's like when other peoples' lives are running smooth, yours is just the opposite. Raggedy sad, complicated, incomplete. You always can't wait for tomorrow coz somehow that's all you could ever do.

Happy New Year everyone! I'm glad yours is a happy one coz mine isn't. So live it for me. Thanks.

Burn baby, burn.

There comes a point in our lives wherein no matter how hard we try to find solutions to the undertakings we deal with, there's nothing left within reach to grab a hold of and make everything all right again. This point is called BURN-OUT.

So.....

As the year comes to a close, there are a lot of life changing events that happened in my so-called life that I want to erase and leave behind. I do hope it will be better next year and not merely just a repetition of dramas again. Because frankly speaking,

I HAVE HAD ENOUGH.

Nursing Day 2008

At last the Nursing week is over and done with! Those selected Section A who entered the contests during the Literary-Musical most especially bagged a price of course, kami pa! hehe. Oh for all those who didn't know, I represented the Vocal Duet of the Level 3, phew! And I was asked a week before the event, and we had so little preparation for it but nevertheless did a very good job, I'm proud of you guys, you know who you are!!!

my vocal duet partner, romerei

our vocal coach, friend and trainor, jerick

Alongside with it, there was the rumage sale of the community extension services(CES), the org I'm into, raising funds for the Christmas gift giving and medical mission in Batad next week. I can't wait to experience that!


Anyway before anything else, there's the Prelim Exams coming up next week as well, so gotta put those thinking caps on first.

"It's over."

La Di Dum Dum

It's ironic to say "what a nice morning" but indeed it was because our NCM professor just called off today's class minutes ago due to a sprain accident she had last night. Ironic because I meant the "nice" to having no class but not to her accident. Just wanna make it clear. Jeez... I woke up at 2am to study for a summary test because I was too exhausted to even flip the pages of my Med-Surg Book last night. As I was excited to study, Maam texted me around 430am saying she was going to the hospital for an x-ray. But of course there's going to be a make up class on Saturday, phew!

Anyway, I still have to go to school today for a CES meeting. This December, we are going to hold a Medical-Dental Mission for the community residents in Batad. And it's already the 2nd week of November and we don't have a ground plan yet, yikes. Ahhh so much to do, so little time! I have some errands to finish up as well for today hopefully I get to finish them.

As to those who's asking about Pete, he's going home this December and we will talk then, I don't like talking about my problems right now because it's hard as it is so to those who can't mind their own business, I'm sorry guys, I'm not talking. Hopefully he catches me here coz my dad is planning for me to go home in Cali for the holidays coz it's never a Merry Christmas when I'm not there but due to tight budget, I dunno, he'll probably send me and my aunt off for a holiday vacation some place else less expensive. Oh well, come what may, I don't like to plan I just go with whatever is laid out for me at present, so please bear with me.

I miss my bes in Jersey! Lence, wish you're here right now dude, I'm about to explode and bug down again, you know what I mean... *sad sighs*

My CES Experience

What an experience this CES Youth Camp had been! I never knew what to expect when I arrived around four-twenty in the morning in front of the school building on October 27, 2008. But that expectation began filling in when I was assigned on the spot by our beloved adviser, Ms. Rhona Lauro, to sing the Doxology for the opening program happening after a 3-hour ride to Brgy. Tanao, Batad, Iloilo. So while some CES members were enjoying the scenic views and others were enjoying extra hours of nap, I, on the otherhand, was busy practicing Celine Dion’s “The Prayer” for the Doxology inside the jeepney. And that was just the start of a wonderful experience in the life of a CES member.
During the 3-day Youth Camp, not only did I learn how to handle 25 rowdy YC campers in all the trainings from the wake up calls down to diary writing and evaluation in the evening but most importantly, I learned the value of following the activity schedules religiously, being conscious about time management and leadership. You see, I was never good at public speaking, or just voicing out what I wanted to say to people especially to those I barely knew, but sometimes we need to in order to build trust, understanding and cooperation. So this experience became my gateway to believe in myself that if they can do it, I can too. Plus, it wasn’t so hard to deal with those children there; they have been very warm, open and enthusiastic to any tasks given to them. I see a bright future in the making in most of them.

As a novice CES member, I was overwhelmed at first because of the many group and individual tasks to do. When you happen to see our activity schedules, you would know how I felt just by even looking at the Manila paper plastered on the walls of our quarters. It was really jam-packed with activities almost every hour! But like most members, I quickly recovered seeing how other CES members smoothly did their tasks one step at a time. The teamwork was solid, I liked it. There were almost no leaders in the group, everyone who was free of tasks helped out accordingly like it was a routine for them already. Kudos for you guys, well done!
I joined CES because I wanted to make something useful and fruitful out of the ordinary days of my stay here in the Philippines, and I’m glad I did. Overall, the CES Youth Camp held on October 27-30, 2008 was a success! There were strong points, weak ones, hardships and even bloopers, but at the end of the day, all I can say is, “Boy, it was well worth it!”

Hmm..

So how's everything been doing so far??? How's sembreak? Mine was pretty busy but did went well I supposed. At least I got to do something out of the ordinary. The youth camp we held in Batad for the children there was a success! I enjoyed so much I forgot it was already the 4th day and was time to bid them good-bye. It's hard being attached for such a short period of time because they were nice kids, little rough around the edges but we've polished some of that and at the end of the day that's who they are and it felt good to be looked up on and be called their older sister.

What else happened this sembreak? Hmm.. me and my friends went on a road trip to the southern line, the coastal side of Iloilo and ended up in one of the beach resorts in San Joaquin. Lots of nice looking huge boulders and rocks there but nothing really beats Bora. haha. It was actually an unplanned trip, we just wanted to get out of the hustle and bustle of the city so we just drove away to nowhere till we hit a dead end which is the place to be.

one of the famous old churches, Miagao Church

Tomorrow is going to be the start of 2nd semester of school! woohoo!!! It's time to hit the books again huhuhuhu and fun ends today. haha. I'm actually looking forward to something serious already. It's hard if there's too much fun going on, I sometimes forget that I'm still in school hahaha! joke. Anyway, I have to run off do some little errands for a while so ta-tah for now!!!*winks*

Trip Lang.

I enjoyed last night's drinking session @ the usual tambayan(spot) of section A. Since it wasn't raining till the wee hours of the morning, we had our venue on the rooftop, it was cozy and the fresh air was invigorating, sent out a refreshing feeling from the morning's scorching heat.

It hasn't been long since I first joined these bunch of people in their usual spot, I only hear this sessions becoz at first I thought they were bunch of wackos so I was hesitant to get closer to them. But as time flew by and unexpected things happened I started to realized that they were just as disturbed and weird as I am haha. We shared lots of common grounds and common interests. They weren't so bad after all. I'm glad I finally joined them after countless invitations I've received from them since summer semester. Thanks guys.

And I guess they have this motto there: "What happens in Super stays in Super" (Super is the name of the spot's location) haha! Evidence...lemme see. As quote from our dear CM, "You don't need to watch anymore of the dramas and telenovelas because it's already infront of you when you're present in this spot." hehe. Guilty ssshhh.

Anyway, tomorrow till the 30th I'm going to Batad a 5hour trip from the city for the Community Extension Services(CES) Youth Camp 2008. I volunteered to be a part of the CES and this is our first leadership training encounter which hopefully will be a success especially the fact that this event has been planned out in a well organized manner. I've never seen an organization so super organized with tight schedules and everything. hehe. But we'll see how it goes. Hope it won't rain tomorrow. That would suck. I'll tell ya all about it with hopefully pics to go with it when I come back and recuperate, ayt?

For now, its lights off for me. Johanna is spending the night here, she's also a member of the CES and she's already fast asleep, damn... hehe! Pray for our safety tomorrow!

See yah when I see yah! Mwah!

Hibernating for a while. It's SEMBREAK!

My Capping Day.

Finally, the capping, pinning and candle-lighting ceremony is done and over with. Congratulations to me, I'm capped already signaling that I am half-way to becoming a nurse. Actually, the event was a bittersweet memory for me. I found it hard to take in seeing those happy parents walking their children proudly towards the stage to be capped and pinned. I really wished my parents or even just my mom was here to witness this event because first and foremost, I owed this 2nd chance of opportunity to them and I wanted my mom to feel proud of all those times back then when she was trying to convince and annoy me non-stop to proceed and take up Nursing because so far, it did me well. Nevertheless due to the regression in the US, she was unable to come eventhough she really really wanted to. (gosh I'm tearing up again sheesh..)

Anyway good thing my aunt who works in Cebu, was here to make things better. At least, second to my parents, she's the closest family I have, my second mom and spoils me alot due to the fact that she is as I quote her say, "I'm forever single and loving it". Hahaha, thanks Auntie!

My dad promised they'd all be here when I graduate in 2010. Of course that one is compulsory already. :)

Canceled.

It's been raining cats and dogs here in the province. They said there was a storm but wasn't really centered here but still we are somehow affected. We had capping practice yesterday but today's practice was canceled due to heavy downpour. Gladly, there was no flooding whatsoever. The province is still recovering from the "Frank" disaster, another storm is greatly unappreciated.

Since today's practice was canceled I woke up around 11am if not for the fact that I felt hunger surging in my stomach already hehe. I ate a little brunch and then took a shower and proceeded to pay house bills so as I have something to do. I texted my friend and she was around the vicinity as well and so we decided to meet up afterwards and stroll around. Then I received a call from BPI reconfirming my account since the car payment is supposed to be automatic deduction from my account but due to numerical errors then needed me to sign another paper and so I visited their business center as well.

We decided to have a snack break at Coffeebreak coz we were both thirsty. To our surprise, we ran into our friend as well and the three of us stroll around Marymart Mall looking at cellphones, shirts and bags. Just looking. Hehehe. Coz me and my friends, planned to go out after capping this Friday and the theme of our night out to make it more interesting is to wear a dressy top, dressy meaning no tank tops or rib tanks or kamiseta looks, it's all out show some skin and clavicles kinda top. We are going inside the new FLOW so we gotta look good and oh it's also the first time of one of our friends to experience this night out thingy. haha. yeah, a newbie! weeehhhh!!!

Hmm... my hon just called saying he can't chat tonight, bummer. Oh well, I'll sleep then, and wake up early tomorrow, it's practice day again hopefully it doesn't rain anymore.

Ciao guyz.. have a sweet night to all!

How many of these SIGHS do I still need to have?

From Thursday to Sunday, damn! No activity whatsoever for me! Jeez.. how long can I take this turmoil? Tsk.Tsk.Tsk. I'm so bored outta my brains right now. They say, if you don't have anything to do, just stay home, arrrggghhh, I feel useless when I'm home. I plan things to do, but I never get to do it because I'm too bored to even do it. It's never conducive to do anything productive here around the house. For one thing, there's nobody to talk to but my online friends on YM and there are days when there's really no one to talk to there, they're all "I'm mobile". Yeah, makes me think more that I don't have a life.

Now that money's tight, I don't go out much anymore unless it's an errand or an important thing at school in order to save gas money. I don't text much either to save load. It's all about save, save and save for me right now coz I don't have anywhere else to get money from and I also want to save the hassle my parents are having because of the economic downfall of US right now. Although the dollar rate is going back up again, well it's different back there. I'm so concerned with things back home. I wish I could go back and work to help them. I can't bare talking to my sister telling me about having no allowance and instead of having Friday/Sunday family movie nights like before, they just stay home now to avoid expenses.

And it hurts to hear all these. My aunt is concerned, after breaking to her the news that mom can't come home to attend my capping, she was sad, she knew how I really wanted someone to be there although she will attend, but we both know its different to have someone from home present. But she understood as well as I do about the crises we're having. She is even willing to divide her food allowance for me, but I said no. "I can eat here at home", I told her. I don't need to eat outside all the time. I can bring food from home to school and eat at the canteen during school days. It sounds pitiful, but hey, sacrifices for my family are a big thing for me. It's okay to save on my part, than let my lil sis and bro feel the scarcity of things. And I'm sorry I can't be there. I know and I'm pretty sure when I'm there at least they feel a bit relieved that no matter how ill economy can get, they can still have fun because I can bring them to places and we can just enjoy traveling to places and take pictures with lil or no money at all. Gosh, I miss home.

(tears falling down my cheeks once again)

An Idiot's Guide to Love

(written by an idiot for my fellow idiots)

Only you can say what love really is for you, but then maybe I can help you define it by telling you what I believe it is not.

Despite what most people think, love isn't selfless. You don't love for the sake of other people. All emotions are selfish, self-centered. No one can force you to feel anything other than what you really feel. Emotions never lie, people just misinterpret or disregard them.

LOVE CAN'T BE LEARNED.
You can't "learn to love" someone you don't love. You just delude yourself into liking them.

LOVE ISN'T ALMS.
You don't love someone because you feel sorry for them. That's not love. That's just pity.

LOVE ISN'T NEED.
It's not love when you expect the other person to fill a gap in your life. If that need disappears or is filled by something or someone else, then the supposed "love" disappears too. If you love someone because you want security or happiness or contentment from him or her, you're not going to get those things if they're not within you in the first place.

LOVE ISN'T COMPLETION.
You're already complete as you are, you just need to discover and acknowledge it. It's not love ig you think you need someone to feel complete. If that feeling doesn't come from you, you're not going ro get it anywhere else.

LOVE ISN'T JUST A FEELING.
It is both felth and known. Your emotion and reason must be in sync. "Love" without reason is just lust or shallow attraction. "Love" without emtion is simply justification and rationalization.

LOVE ISN'T JUST IN THE PRESENT.
You have to love who that person was and who that person will be.

LOVE ISN'T SUPPOSED TO DRIVE YOU CRAZY.
It's not supposed to wreak havoc on your life. It's supposed to inspire you into being the best possible version of yourself.

The Point Is?

I'm sad today, kinda moody in a way because as I got to school around 7am, I received a text from mom that she can't attend my capping ceremony this 26th of Sept becoz dad said it was due to financial insufficiency. I feel bad for her too becoz last year till earlier this year she kept babbling about going home to attend this event by hook or by crook. And she even took a leave of absence already, but dad's final word to both of us was, "NO."

I wanted to cry when I read the text messages I got from both of them, one from mom telling me to convince dad, and i tried convincing afterwards, and then another text from dad, telling me that as much as he wanted to let mom go, there's not enough budget for the trip and promised that they would all be home to attend my graduation 2 years from now. I'm mad in an unselfish way becoz I knew that we had a lot of expenses these past few months, especially from the passing of my grandmother last May of this year, and the many expenses from the hospital bills as well.

It's just that I feel so bad. This is one of the important events that's going to happen in my darn life and neither of them is going to be a part of it. I know that I'm too old to be emotional on things such as this since I'm already a 2nd courser anyway right? But your wrong, as much as I don't want to admit it but all this, I owe so much from them. This whole thing started from a very serious arguement and I gambled in order to get where I am now.

Oh well, but dad only says things once and all are final. I understand, I can always feel the insufficiency, living everyday wherein money seems to just vanish in minutes. Heck I don't even have an allowance anymore, unlike before. Now, I budget everything tightly, sometimes wishing I have some left for myself. I can't blame dad nor mom nor the past events that brought about this. I know if we had enough, I'm pretty sure mom will be here in a jiffy.

But tables turn sometimes. And right now, it's not siding me nor us.

I'm just glad to get by somehow. Coz in this kind of problem, I'm so sure people whom I've helped in this kind of problem turned their backs on me when I asked for it at some point, so why bother.

Decode His Strange Dating Behaviors

1. WHEN HE MONOPOLIZES CONVERSATIONS....
He might be more nervous than egomaniacal. Smitten men often brag to try to prove that they're good enough for you. Interject with your own stories. If he's a quality dude, he'll listen up.

2. WHEN HE FAILS TO MAKE A MOVE....
The truth is, guys have gotten so many mixed messages about how to fast to push things physically, they can get insecure and freeze up. If you want things to progress, you may need to give a subtle green light by grabbing his hand or leaning in for a kiss.

3. WHEN HE OVEREXPLAINS TO CANCEL PLANS....
At this stage, all you need to hear is a quick reason and an attempt to reschedule. Excess details could indicate that something's going on that he feels like he has to cover up (another girl, perhaps??). It may be an attempted blow off.

Isn't it ironic, don't you think?

Right when he confessed that he loves her, "Love kita! May reklamo? Hehehe. Basta ba happy tayo of what we have right now, it doesn't really matter what the rest is like."

She took the next best thing for both of them which is to tell him the truth that she is already committed to someone else in a what if question kinda way, "What if I tell you I'm about to get married, would it still not matter to you?"

After that thought, the guy is unreachable till now. His phone's off, and his yahoo messenger which is almost always online or on SMS is now offline.

She, on the otherhand, is still awake at 4 in the morning of the next day.

Good riddance because at least she ditched the temptation once and for all, but why does she feel so crappy?

Kwento-kwento lang.

Kinakabahan ako sobraaaaahhhh!!! 2nd rotation na mamaya, 3-11pm ako sa semi-private ward. Since we haven't been used to the hospital floor kasi unang rotation ko ay delivery room na wala naman talaga kaming ginagawa doon. Eto mamaya as in talagang interaction with patients na. Phew! Not that I'm a newbie on this, pero its a different setting. Wala naman kasing ward sa states eh and the people here are well, temperamental, you never know what you gonna get - kinda people. Oh well, help me God! I'm also somewhat excited, it's a different experience once again. I don't know if the clinical instructors going to be suplada o mabait. Hopefully the latter one. Anyway, changing topic...punta naman tayo sa kwentong LOVE! hehe.

A friend of mine confided to me, sabi nya she's happy with her relationship with her boyfriend, and I can very well see naman, then all of a sudden, her "forgotten special someone" came back in her life. Someone whom she thought na parang lumipas lang ang mga feelings nila sa isa't-isa ay one day nagparamdam daw. So tinanong ko cya kung what caused the "lumipas" drama at d nila tinuloy noong may special something pa sila. Sagot nya, "wala lang, na-Cold feet".

So anyway, lumipas ang ilang months biglang nagsend ng message sa kanya ang guy, Cge ilagay na lang natin sa name na, "Racer" kasi mahilig daw to sa mga kotseng pangkarera. Nagtanong lang naman si Racer kung galit ba daw sa kanya ang friend ko. At dun na nagsimula ang pagco-communicate nila muli. Para naman daw walang nagiba. Yung feelings nila, yung "something" ni Racer sa kanya daw ay sadyang nafefeel nya pa rin. More na nga ngayon. Panay na daw ang tawag, tas yung mga simpleng kilig factors are starting to come back to her.

As she was telling me this, napa smile ako. This is from a lady who really heck love her boyfriend so much na wala ngayon dito, nurse kasi sa states. Naku na confuse cya tuloy :-) She asked how to go about with this dilemma. Although alam ng boyfriend nya kung ilang ex meron cya and all pero etong si Racer for some reason eh nakalimutan nyang ikwento man lang noon sa boyfriend nya. D nga rin nya halos maisip kung bakit d nya to namention etong topic noon. Para naman daw kasing isang lukso ng dugo lang yun. Ni hindi pa nga nya nakikita si Racer ever in her life, pero bakit ganun na lang kalakas ang feeling nila sa isa't - isa.

I told her that wala naman talagang masama dito, as long as she won't go beyond what they have right now. She has to resist the temptation for as long as she can. And also, she should weigh things, sino ba talaga ang mas lamang na "feeling" or na "something" between her boyfriend and Racer. Kasi eventhough you haven't met someone personally pero nakita mo na cya sa mga pics and you have a more or less description of his personality, ang love laging nandyan yan eh, always waiting to strike, d naman yan pinipili kung nakita mo man o wala yung isang tao. Yan ang tunay na "love is blind" meaning hindi mo kailangan makita ang anyo ng isang tao in order to love.

My friend slapped me playfully on my arm, sabi nya, mas lalo ko daw ginulo. hahaha! Abai sabi ko naghihingi ka ng advice eh, alangan namang kakampihan ko boyfriend mo, dapat fair ang pagadvice ko para makapag isip ka. She smiled, thank me and we resumed talking about other stuff.

Sadyang ang dami ng temptations. And I can very well relate to her kasi sympre malayo din ang mahal ko. But then again, as long as your relationship is strong enough, nothing will ruin it. Challenges kung baga. Minsan kasi mahirap magmahal na wala naman cya sa katabi mo. Time passes by, nakakapagod din na wala kang mabalingan ng mga sama ng loob, wala kang makwentuhan ng mga anong nangyari sa pang-araw araw mo at wala kang mayakap kapag nalulungkot ka. It's really different if his presence is just around the corner kahit pa ba you both have the luxury of calling each other everyday, d pa rin sapat yun. You get me? :-)

Kaya minsan nagkakalabu-an dahil there are just some things you can replace with just calls kahit pa man every minute yan! Siguro kahit gaano pa kahaba pasensya mo, sometimes you can't take it anymore. And it'll always result to arguements. Haaaiiiii love, sobra pa sa stimulants combined. Supper... once it triggers. You can't help it.

Yum.

In summary, today was a rather good day. My quizzes are up and running well again, and I'm more in tune with what's happening around me. I'm beginning to like them. They ain't that bad after all. Yeah, I'm talking about the class I'm with now and till I graduate. I admit, competency will always be present, but I'm now starting to adjust that this is where I am now and I should join or forever will I torture myself.

Thanks Chao for the nursing t-shirt! Haha, I asked one of my former classmate, last semester, last acquaintance party if I can have his shirt since they made one for their section and we didn't. We only had a class customized buttons to signify our section. Gladly he said yes and he'll just give it to me once he washed it first. Well he texted me early this morning where my first period classroom was and he brought the t-shirt to me. Yipee I have a nursing t-shirt already for free! I don't really collect t-shirts, it just so happens that the shirt prints was a good one. So I asked if I can have it. Silly me.

I also finished my Community Development report and though our professor kept butting in when I was still reporting and discussing, it didn't really matter. I just wanted to get things over with. It's a burden to talk in front. I hate public speaking. Seriously! But all is well, thanks God.

Got home around 8:52pm, right when I was at the gate my boyfriend called and told me that he won't be able to chat with me later because he has basketball practice. In times before, I would feel bad about this but now, I'm starting to get used to it. I don't mind not being able to chat at all. I don't mind him not calling me everyday anymore but he still does. We always fight over this before because I don't like not having communication everyday, unlike those who are also in the same situation as we do, LDR, that they can last a day, or even a week of no communication at all. WELL I DON'T. But I don't want to start acting needy and pathetic so I'm adjusting. And in due time, I'd probably get over and can even last a month. I still feel bad, but I can't do anything about it. Coz the more I throw tantrums, the more my boyfriend thinks that I don't understand. So I'm not going to anymore. Whenever he says something, I'll just try to understand. So honey, cheers to that!

Oh well... life goes on right? I'll just do my assignment and sleep I guess. No use looking at an empty laptop with no one to talk to anyway right? Bitterness of life. Taste it. Yum.

OR/DR First Hospital Rotation, Well Worth IT!

Home sweet home! Phew!

I came home from a 3-day inter island OR/DR duty @ Guimaras Provincial Hospital. It's a 30minutes boat ride plus another 15 minutes jeepney travel. It was a great experience! I now know how my mom feels from a straight 16-hour duty. Kakaantok grabe! Kasi since 7am-3pm ako, walang nanganganak during that time, eh kailangan ko talaga maski isa lang ng babycare, assisted delivery score, so I had to sacrifice and be on-call pagka 11pm-7am that same day. Tapos ang malala pa nun, pagka 7am naman, duty na kaagad. Ala eh, 10minutes lang ata ako nagshower sa boarding house at nagchange na naman para pumasok ng regular duty ko ng 7am. Haiii para akong zombie sa duty. Tinatawanan na nga lang ako ng C.I namin kasi talagang halata sa face kong "I need sleep!"

But anyway, at least I scored that on call night. Tatlong sunod-sunod na deliveries ba naman! Eh nagsawa na ako! hahaha. At least when we move to the ward next week, panibagong experience naman. I will miss our batchoy times especially kung wala kaming ginagawa sa delivery room, we always ask permission from mam to eat batchoy outside the hospital. Feeling ko nga tumaba ako sa duty na to, kainis! hahaha. Ala na kasing inatupag kundi kumain at magbilang ng oras para uwi-an na. Nilalangaw talaga ang D/R pag umaga.

I came home and found out my aunt is here. Good, at least I have somebody to talk to about my experiences in the island. I will miss that place and I'll be looking forward for my completions there. Yun ang pipiliin kong hospital if ever we need to do our completions during our senior year.

Oh, today is 08-08-08. Sabi sa feng shui at mga chinese chuvaness, malas daw ang araw na to contradictory sa sabi nilang swerte daw pagtatlo ang 8, tama ba ako??? Yung mga chinoy dyan speak up! hehehe. But anyway, it depends upon how you forsee the day siguro. Today wasn't that bad for me actually, ok lang.

I missed my honey for three days, pero he always sees to it that he calls everyday. So far he's doing a pretty good job. Di nya ako pinapaasa. Hmmm.. just one of the many reasons why I love him sooooo much. Tell me about the game hon tomorrow k! Mwwwwaaaaahhhhh.

Sige, pahinga na rin kayo. Ciao for now. PS>>> Welcome back to Ms. Kathie n Kulit Keloyd (hindi ako taga-cebu, taga-iloilo ako! bisaya lang ang language namin but doesnt mean malapit yun, maski pa parehong visayas. wwaaahhh.)

CHANGED.

Ang mahal na pla magpalaundry ng comforters ngaun! It's 210-260php already depending on the size of the sheets. Good thing they accept staggered payments so I paid half of the total payment for the 5 comforter pieces to be washed. Coz if I paid them in full, baka wala na akong pera for my expensive duties. This week pa naman, we are obliged to stay in the island of Guimaras already for our 3-day hospital duties sa provinical hospital nila. The school have a boarding house there, with most of the rooms air-conditioned with extra payment of course and fairly new.

Phew! Buti na lang Sunday na, although its school again tomorrow. Kasi hirap kung Friday and Saturday ang daming invitations for night outs, dinners and hangouts. Mahirap talaga kapag sobrang daming friends! Alam mo ba kung ilang invitations ang tinurn-down ko last night? 4 invites. Grabe ewan ko ba kung bakit hindi sila makontento na sila lang ang lumabas at hindi ako kasama, hehehe! But anyway I survived the night doing actually nothing kasi ayoko rin mag aral. So maski bored nanood na lang ako ng dvd, "Definitely Maybe" coz for some reason, it's been recommended to me na panoorin ko daw kasi maganda. Hmmm... maganda nga naman. It's a feel good movie, kung ayaw mong mag over analyze masyado or ayaw mo ring mag cry over o makilig ng super duper, this is the movie to watch. Pero the best pa rin yung movie ni Papa Lloydee and Sarah na "A Very Special Love." hehe, yup I'm a sucker for pinoy love story movies noh! Maski sabihin nyo pang korny! Hmmm don't care. Cute lang panoorin kasi more na nakakarelate ako sa mga pinoy love stories kasi it's like based in real life na ginawang movie lang.

Oh well... I hope tomorrow will have a miracle sa school! I hate Mondays eh, coz I get off at 830 in the evenings. booo! So gotta study, buddy! Ciao for now.

PS... I changed the name of my site and look and feel of it. This is now more me. Have a good night bloggers!

Just wanna see you smile.

A fellow nurse sent this message to me a while ago.

FUN FACTS FROM INFECTION CONTROL

1/ During an hour's swimming at a pool, you will ingest 1/12 of a liter of urine.

2/ In an average day, your hand comes into indirect contact with 15 penises by touching door knobs, etc.

3/ Annually, you swallow 12 pubic hairs from fast foods.

4/ Annually, you swallow 14 insects while sleeping.

5/ Annually, you shake hands with 6 men who have masturbated & failed to wash their hands.

Ey.. don't blame me, it's from Reader's Digest actually! hehehehe...

I'll Always Remember The Day You Said, "I LOVE YOU"

The day you said "I love you,"
a closed door opened in my heart.
And in the years to come,
when you'll say it
a thousand times more,
I want to feel just as delighted
as when those words
first fell upon my ears.

The day you said "I love you,"
I felt a warmth within my heart
like no other I've ever known.
THe person I had dreamed of
for so many lonely years
was righter there in my arms,
and I didn't ever want to let go.

The feeling was so serene
and the mood so spectacular
that I almost believed I was dreaming ---
except for the fact that
I knew it was real.

Not only do I want to spend
today with you, my love,
but tomorrow, the day after,
and the very last day I'm given.

Stay beside me always;
love me with all that's within you
and in all that you do.
I'm in this forever,
and I'll leave you never.
My dream came true;
I found it in you.
It was the day you said to me
"I love you."

Caught Up with some FLU.

Haiii.. goodmorning to all. I was absent on all of my classes for today because I have a fever that has been going on since Friday night when I came home from DR duty in Guimaras Is. The medical certificate states a viral pharyngitis but to sum it all up, this is just a bad case of being new to the whole traveling thing again. Imagine we have to travel for every single day for 3 days by boat and then back again in the afternoon! Plus the weather wasn't cooperative at that time too. I've always had low immunity against this viral shit, so welcome to my world! *winkz*

Anyway, all I mostly did today was catch some zzz.. especially when I found out that we didn't have NCM class too! Cool beans. Lucky me! And my section is lucky enough to have me coz for 2 days straight we didn't have classes on our major pressure subject. I'm sure we'll have another one of those "make-up" classes Mam L is known for. *hehe*

Actually I've accomplished a lot today, I went to the bank to pay off my credit card, and jeeezzz! I don't know where I spent all the money I've lost for just a matter of 2 weeks. Huhuhu! Now it's back to ditching lunch and just drink plenty of water for me again to last till the next pay day. I also paid dad's sss and found out that I can pay it at the mall rather than in that far away main office they have. Haiiii naku life! Studying is expensive. Everything else is expensive. Buti na lang LOVE is still priceless.

Freaky Friday.

My family went back to Cali already and last Wednesday was their flight back. Good thing I was done early that day that I still caught them in the airport. It was hard saying goodbye again, driving to school with my sunglasses on that Wednesday morning fighting back the tears forming on my lower eyelids from falling down as I wake my lil brother up to say "goodbye" and looking at him looking away from me because he's about to cry himself was always hard times for me. So I was so glad I was still able to catch them at the airport and see them for the last time in I guess, another year again. I probably won't be home for the holidays this year and the next because of my hospital duties and ripped bank account coz of all the expenses these past 4 months ( my grandma's death and everything). I only have my tuition money in there. Everything else, I pay in card, owing the money I don't know how much already. But nevertheless, I was glad they came and reduced my sadness and longing for loved ones even just for 45 days.

Now it's back to being serious with my studies, but it's hard to live in a home composed of only myself and a helper. I miss my grandma and her talkative nurse aide. So this is the part where I have to say again, "LIFE MUST GO ON."

Anyway, this morning was our white duty uniform dress rehearsal @ school in preparation for the official hospital duty schedules on July 21 or 24. It was fun actually, it was just today that I was eager to go to school hahaha, because I like our white uniforms, looking rather decent today hahaha. After uniform and requirements checking, we didn't have classes in the afternoon. After picture takings and stuff, me and my friends changed into our go clothes and went around the city. We visited one of our friends father whom she hasn't seen for quite awhile because her parents are separated and his dad texted that he misses her, and so we told her that we'll go with her for moral support. She didn't wana go at first since she's embarrassed about her situation but we told her it's alright and everybody has secrets and no life is perfect no matter how we assume it is.

There I saw the other side of my bubbly girlfriend Emzkie. Now I understood her outward bubbliness more and where she got it from. It was a good revelation. Thanks for sharing it with us Emz. At least I can add you up to the list of my "true" friends. It's hard to have one nowadays. I know, I know it's surprising for that line to come from me but seriously, I have lots of friends, countless even but those friends I thought knows me and I thought are closest to me are the ones who'll kill me with greed, envy and false pride. My dad was right, you can have plenty of friends, but you can just pinpoint 1 or 2 who stands out the truest. That's why no more "best"friends for me, that's a "jinx" word already. I'll call ya'll "close" from now on. Nowadays, I associate "bestfriends" to my enemies and to the animals I hate. Haiiz..it's heck of a cruel world eventhough I'm not doing anything to aggravate them.

How was the basketball game by the way honey??? You ditched our Friday chat for basketball! Typical... HEHEHE! kidding sweetie I know you told me beforehand you have a game today. It's just me missing you who is talking sarcastically here again. Mwaaahhh! Love you.

Lights out for me!

Abandoned.

I'm crying again. I hate Mondays, most especially. The idea of eating lunch alone. Walking in the hallways alone. I'm practically alone. Again. Once more. I miss my friends who are not just some trophy friends were they're there because you're colleagues but because they really are you're friends. My sched is different from all of them and I really don't have friends in the class I'm in now and will be till I graduate.

Plus going home to a boyfriend whom I can't talk straight and have his undivided attention because the only place where he can chat with me is his office were he just sneaks out to chat most of the time and he has too much work in his hands. So he'll sends me messages every now and then but the next thing I'd know, he went home already or went somewhere because of something blah blah reasons. But I don't complain and just let the idea go because that's his life. He needs to attend to his own responsibilities at work and of course to his needs as a person too. I respect that. ( or I'm just toooooo good.)

I come to realize that I'm STILL alone. No one ever sticks around to give me company. At the end of the day, it's still me against this harsh world. No one is ever constant. I hate INDEPENDENCE. Coz I grew up being loved and my idea of being loved is the presence of people who loves me and I love surrounding me. Without the presence, I just lose it.

And so I'll sleep tonight with another teary eyed episode. And wake up in the wee hours of the morning to study. Come to think of it, the only constant thing in my life right now is... MY TEXTBOOK. It's my companion to everywhere I go. At least it can just sit there and say nothing but I know I won't feel so much abandoned because I can pre-occupy my mind by reading it or even just by mere scanning.

This is what I hate most about being USED to things or persons. Once they're gone, taken away from me, or they don't do things they normally do anymore and give me too many reasons which I know are reasonable for them but not for me...it's either I break down or I turned into this stoned person. Cold and emotionless. Better this way I guess, I can just go on with life without being mad at someone but myself. At least nobody gets hurt. Only my heart is continually bruised.

News Flash... FRANK!

Hey ya'll bloggers out there! Sooo sorry been heck busy this past months and weeks that I've lost track of the blogging system.

UPDATES! UPDATES!

Well, there's really nothing to tell, aside from the fact that Iloilo was strucked by this disastrous rainstorm "FRANK" that damaged almost half of the city, including the poorest provinces and towns. I was in my dad's province when the storm hit, and mhen.. the flood just kept flowing and flowing until most of the ricefields were turned into brownish lake. Few houses were spared. And our house was made into an evacuation center for some families who lost their houses, or those people whose houses were situated under the bridge. I've posted pictures of the flash flood in our our backyard and we'll just leave it at that because talking about this disaster makes me nostalgic seeing people on the streets, their spared appliances and stuff. Arrghh can't even bare to look at them and so I didn't bother taking them pictures. Haiiizz..

In the lighter side of day, school has been crazy... being in the star section can have many benefits but jeezz.... not tooo MANY! these past three days, we were the only section who was having heck classes. We are running nursing care plans and IVs already while the rest of the 16 sections in our nursing batch were off to the malls for their classes are suspended or their C.I's were just to lazy to teach telling their students the usual reason of "flood" drama. Anyway, at least next week our lectures are done and over with and we can now focus on our demo practices and return demonstrations.

So sorry to Ychel for not having the time to text you... Masyadong na busy sa school po! Where kana ba? Hope you OK and had a blast here in PI! How bout Ms. Kathie??? What have you been up to na now that school's back? C Keloyd.. Alam ko busy na yun , naghahanap buhay hahaha! Joke, I'm happy for you pare, hope your happiness runs a long way!

Well I gotta park my lapie topie for a while coz I still have lots of post test to study on! Muah. Happy weekend everyone!

Flood pics around our house:

Ang Buhay Amerika

Akala ng mga tao na nasa Pilipinas
kapag nasa America ka… Akala nila
madami ka nang pera. Ang totoo, madami
kang utang,dahil credit card lahat ang
gamit mo sa pagbili mo ng mga gamit
mo. Kailangan mo gumamit ng creditcard
para magka-credit history ka, kase pag
hindi ka umutang o wala kang utang,
hindi ka pagkakatiwalaa n ng mga kano.
Pag wala kang credit card, ibig
sabihin wala kang kapasidad magbayad.

Akala nila mayaman ka na kase may kotse
ka na. Ang totoo, kapag hindi ka bumili
ng kotse sa America maglalakad ka ng
milya-milya sa ilalim ng init ng araw o
kaya sa snow. Walang jeepney, tricycle
o padyak sa America.

Akala nila masarap ang buhay dito sa
America. Ang totoo, puro ka trabaho
kase pag di ka nagtrabaho, wala kang
pangbayad ng bills mo: kotse, credit
card, ilaw, tubig, insurance, bahay at
iba pa. Hindi ka na pwedeng tumambay sa
kapitbahay kase busy din sila maghanap
buhay pangbayad ng bills nila.

Akala nila masaya ka kase nagpadala ka
ng picture mo sa Disney, Seaworld, Six
Flags, Universal Studios at iba pang
attractions. Ang totoo, kailangan mo
ngumiti kase nagbayad ka ng $70+ para
makarating ka dun, kailangan mo
namnamin ang 10 hours na sweldo mong
pinangbayad sa tiket.

Akala nila malaki na ang kinikita mo
kase dolyar na sweldo mo. Ang totoo,
malaki pagpinalit mo ng peso, pero
dolyar din ang gastos mo sa America.
Ibig sabihin ang dolyar mong kinita sa
presyong dolyar mo din gagastusin. Ang
P15.00 na sardinas sa Pilipinas $1.00
sa America, ang isang pakete ng
sigarilyo sa pilipinas P40.00, sa
America $5.00, ang upa mo sa bahay na
P10,000 sa pilipinas, sa America
$1,000.

Akala nila buhay milyonaryo ka na kase
ang ganda ng bahay at kotse mo. Ang
totoo milyon ang utang mo. Ang bago
mong kotse 5 taon mong huhulugan. Ang
bahay 30 taon mong huhulugan. Ibig
sabihin,alip in ka ng bahay at kotse mo.

Madaming naghahangad na makarating sa
America. Lalo na mga nurses, mahirap
maging normal na manggagawa sa
Pilipinas. Madalas pagod ka sa trabaho.
Pagdatin g ng sweldo mo, kulang pa sa
pagkain mo. Pero ganun din sa ibang
bansa katulad ng America. Hindi ibig
sabihin dolyar na ang sweldo mo,
yayaman ka na, kailangan mo ding
magbanat ng buto para magsurvive ka sa
ibang bansa.

Isang malaking sakripisyo ang pag-alis
mo sa bansang pinagsilangan at
malungkot iwanan ang mga mahal mo sa
buhay. Hindi pinupulot ang pera dito.
Hindi ako naninira ng pangarap, gusto
ko lang buksan ang bintana ng
katotohanan.

~Anonymous~

Fuck the enrollment, I'm done with it.

Enrollment was crazy as always! It was hot and I forgot my hanky, boohoo! It was a dreadful experience all the time. And especially I was the first and only one from my friends who enrolled. So I did it all by myself, all the walking, all the lining up. All alone. Damn I didn't know I'd survive, but I did. I finished everything around 2:30pm, I was already drinking an ice cold bottled water at 3pm, waiting for my friends who were practically pissed looking for their clinical instructor who was nowhere to be found to get their clearances signed. So they need to come back still tomorrow and try their luck.

I still belong to section A. It was already a block section so I'm quite stuck in that section till graduation. Jeez, pain in the butt but I don't care anymore, they say if you can't beat them, join them! hahaha. It's like bringing your friends close and your enemies closer! All I care about is not the grades anymore, it's passing all the subjects and graduating and getting my diploma and get this NCLEX done and work already! Coz I am not getting any younger anymore, I need to be on my toes every step of the way. I don't wanna screw this up. And so far, my goodluck charm is still siding with me!

Updates.

27th of May at 10:40am, my dad arrived here in Iloilo Airport. We went to the grocery store after lunch and proceeded in the province. That was the first time I saw my dad cried in buckets when we arrived and he quickly went inside the house and cried his heart out in lola's simple white with silver accent coffin. My uncle (dad's younger brother) and my aunt (dad's younger sister) were all crying as dad went inside. I can't stay longer than a minute inside the house seeing all my loved ones crying so I went out and told our men helpers to bring dad's luggages to his room. I also parked the car properly around the side of the house since dad just stormed out of the car when we were infront of the house already. I felt I needed to be the one in-charge since I know all they could ever think about is hurt seeing their mother passed away without them three not one of them, being near her during her last hours here on earth. But I know lola couldn't ask for more. She had been well taken cared of and she knew that her kids had supported her well till her last breath. She died without struggle and with peace of mind that when she's gone, everything will still be as it was used to be, and she has nothing to worry about.

That's is why it took me forever to write updates on my blogs because everytime I start writing, my tears automatically flows and I had to stop. Out of the her three immediate grandchildren, since my uncle and aunt were never married, me and my younger sibs are her grandchildren. I was the closest to her. I even got the height, the fair skinned color from her. My other aunts said that's why I was meant to be here when she passed away, because I was the most that resembled her. The beloved apo. You see when my family moved to the states, I was still here, my lola took care of me until I came and moved there too. Then when I came back last year, during those months were she was still able and well, I never fail to have her sermon as my breakfast, lunch and dinner when I came home in the wee hours of the morning from partying or from night out. She was on guard always and she doesn't sleep at all till I'm home safe. She was the splitting similarity of my dad in female version. I used to sneak out from her, pushing my old beat up volkswagen out of the garage so as not to wake her up and knew that I'm going out again, or Ill park my car a mile distance from our house so that she won't hear the engines since she has a very keen sense of hearing. She hears everything! *faint smile* Those were the days...

But when she became ill, although she still won't allow sometimes, I make sure I go home in a decent hour already unlike before that I could care less. I learned responsibilities of taking care of a loved one and it's been rough sometimes when she was being stubborn not to go to the hospital. I cry silently in my room whenever I've exhausted efforts of convincing her to go because I hate seeing her in difficulty. Gawd, I even hate seeing her in the emergency room with all the medical professionals swarming over her like she was some kind of a lab experiment. But the morning before she passed away, my car won't start. It is as if telling me not to go there in the ER. So I didn't. I went in 2 hours after, and found a cardiac monitor beeping in high levels. There I knew this was not an everyday scenario anymore. I also was asked to sign a consent for an invasive procedure which I never did before and though I am a nurse, at that certain point, it's as if I was a mere civilian asking what that procedure was for, although I knew perfectly well what's it for.

I was a grand daughter not a nurse at that certain point in my life.

Tired.

I went back to the city today so that I can get pass the long lines in school the next day. I need to finish my enrollment tomorrow, because my car is going to be admitted again for 3days and so I can't travel to and fro the city for the next 3 days so I'll be stuck in the province counting and giving change for tongs and listing all the abuloys. But I don't mind. Also, I miss my boyfriend badly, it's been a while since we haven't chatted although I know he will be busy as heck to chat with me straight but never the less I want to chat with him even just a mere "i love you hon.."

It's been heck tiring today too because I woke up early to pick up my aunt from the airport and then back again in the province and then back again in the city tonight. Talk about major stress. And to think I have to enroll tomorrow bright and early. phew!

RIP

My lola didn't make it 24hrs. 11:45pm last night, my lola passed away peacefully in her hospital bed. I will be in hibernation for a while since I have tons of things to do during the burial and everything. My family in the states will surely come home, my dad is probably going home earlier than my mom and my sibs since they still have classes till the 5th of June. We are going to pick my aunt who's in Cebu at the airport later around 8:40am. She doesn't have any idea about grandma yet because dad strictly said that we will inform her as soon as she gets here in Iloilo where it is safer and at least what ever happens to her (fainting or whatever...) we can surely be there to take care of her.

I can't sleep, it's already 5am. Damn.. my dearest lola is gone.

Fighter.

I was still at school when my lola (grandma) was rushed in the emergency room this morning. Diagnosis: pneumonia, sepsis, and possible renal failure. She was critically ill when they came in the ER; hypotensive (low blood pressure), chest pain and dyspnea (difficulty breathing). Lab results came and infection was so high, her blood count was a shooting 64,000 from a normal value of 10,000. When my class ended, my cellphone was bombarded by tons of messages from my aunt in Cebu who was already in panicky state. I told her to calm down because she has a tendency to hyperventilate herself and I worry about her too. So, I hurriedly went to the hospital and when I got there, lola's nurse aide looked like she just cried. I knew right there and then that this was indeed serious. But before I could take a peek at my dearest grandmother, the nurse ushered me to sign a consent form because the doctor ordered a central venous offensive catheter to be inserted in the brachial site. They need to cut down, slice open the site in her arm and place a tube inside to help closely monitor and measure the fluids in her lungs because of pneumonia. They need a close family member to sign it and I was the legal guardian.

I saw my grandma being prepared for the minor surgery, and it hurts. I tried my best to keep my tears from flowing because the aide was already crying her eyes out. I kept going in and out of the emergency room, sitting outside the hallway seats because I feel like I was going to faint from all this. My dad kept calling what's happening, my aunt was texting non-stop... I was the only one present there in case anything happens that minute. I can't help but think about how my dad or my aunt is at that very moment being away from their mom and can't do anything but wait for the result, wait for my updates.

But I wasn't able to control my tears when my dad called and really insisted me to place the phone in lola's ears because he wanted to talk to her. I can just imagine the pain my dad is feeling right now. I know he's tough, but I also know he won't be able to sleep. And my aunt is getting the first trip tomorrow so I hope the weather will cooperate. As for me? I'm hanging in here. I have a return demonstration tomorrow at school so I still have to try to concentrate on the procedures. But it depends upon this nasty weather, I won't be able to go to school tomorrow. The road being passed by is already flooded, knee-high when I went home just a couple of minutes ago. How much more now that it began to rain again. There are already rescue teams closely monitoring the overflowing of the river. Tsk.. Tsk.. Tsk..

But lola's a fighter, she always has been. Please help me pray for her health and safety.

Mommita..

Happy Mother's Day, Mom!

I never realized that I'd appreciate my mom more now because I'm miles away from her. Sometimes distance brings us good. Relationships are tightened even more. And I noticed I'm closer to my mom now, than ever before. I feel I can tell her everything, share her my ups and downs and won't dare hide my sadness or mood swings from her.

The only picture I have in my wallet is my mom's, the pic was taken back when she was still working in Bayshore Hospital, New Jersey and I was still 9 years old when I had that picture of her and is still in my wallet ever since. I'll let her see it when she come visit here in June. I'm sure she'll laugh at herself, looking all different. She was still skinny too on that picture! hehe...sorry mom *BIG GRIN* That picture is a reminder that my mom, worked hard just to get us from where we are now. Her and dad argued a lot when it came to migrating in the U.S., but we did anyway because mom knew it's a better life out there. It's not really for their personal gains, but really for their children's (our) future.

Right now, she still works in the hospital, working two jobs just to get us by. Although I sometimes feel sorry for her, being all tired everyday, but I did try my best to help around the things she should have also been doing, like taking care of my younger sis and bro and doing the household chores. I carried that load for her. And it wasn't at all easy raising two lil pestering kids.. haha, kidding guys, nahhh I love Jhayme n Koi. Though they give me headaches most of the time, I managed to mostly be there when they need me.

So to my dearest mom, thank you and I love you! Can't wait to bond with you again. Mwah!

Speechless.

Interesting week.

Earlier this week, I was surprised to get the highest score in our critical thinking exam. Damn, does that mean I criticize a lot better now??? haha, that's a first. I don't usually do well on those kinds of exam because I don't like reading pretty lengthy paragraphs and analyze, that bores me. But as I said, there's always a first. Probably I was just inspired. *big winning smile*

Later this week, I got my bug wagen back. Woohoo. I thought it was registered already but it turns out it wasn't yet. Dad said to ask my uncle in Bacolod about the full coverage insurance thingy first before registering it. So I can only use the car weekends where there's not much traffic aides roaming around. It has a weird color, my friends who saw "Kit" (that's the name my dad gave his first car, which is now passed on to me) that the color is cool. It shines especially at night, its like metallic during night time because the color is a very dark (weird) blue, that when at night it can be mistaken as black. Gosh, I dunno how to describe it really! haha!

Just see for yourself:


Anyway, just a while ago, I attended the wake of my fiance's sister. I really didn't wanna go for reasons that I'm such an introvert, and him not being here too, I actually don't know what to do. But because I know him better although he didn't force me or anything, I still had an inkling feeling that he did want me there. So I went discretely and brought my close friend, Nes, with me for a comfort zone. When we got there in the church I went directly to his dad, and extended my condolences. His dad still managed to introduced me to some of the people there too. Unbelievable really considering the condition. I just smile through the whole process.

Since I'm a very observant person, I have a lot in my mind that afternoon. Questions which he promised to answer when he gets home. Frankly speaking, I don't like attending wakes. Especially the final blessing parts and stuff coz that's where all the hard cries, sad pangs, melodramatic songs enter. Why? (hello?!? I'm a crybaby remember.. so I can't help but get teary-eyed too, and of course as I was observing everyone there, my mind floated to my fiance who is out there somewhere alone and wished I was with him at this very moment). *sad smile*

As we were on our way home, Nes, surprised me when she said, "Plangga ka gid man gurl sang future father-in-law mo ah, notice ko lang" (translates: "Your future father-in-law really do love you gurl, I noticed.") Probably because when we asked permission to go home, Tito placed his arm around my shoulders and pressed me near him almost into a hug, smiled, leaned his head on top of mine for a couple of seconds before he let go.

Aww.. sweet.. Speechless.

At that moment, I felt like family.

True Lab.

Nafeel nyo na ba yung sinasabi nilang, "true love"? Pwes kung hindi pa, wag magstop sa paghihintay o paghahanap nito. Coz I am telling you mga kapatid, it's worth it. D ko ma explain actually eh! Yan siguro pag totoo na ang nararamdaman ng isang tao. Totoong pagmamahal.

Yung bang mga lines na, "you sent shivers up my spine", or "you make my heart melt" eh talaga pa lang nangyayari. Bigla na lang may shock wave kang nafefeel kapag hawak nya ang iyong mga kamay, at parang halos pawisan na ang mga palad nyo at alam nyo ng mahirap magmaneho sa lagay na yan eh hala, hindi pa rin ninyo mabitiwan ang isa't isa.

Yung bang kahit ordinaryo na ang pagsabi ng "i love you" sa isa't isa pero nagagawa nyo pa ring ipa-feel sa isa na love mo nga talaga cya, at kung gaano mo pa rin ka-feel na sinabihan ka nitong matamis na phrase.

Ika nga nila, when you are "the world" to someone, or you consider someone "your world", then in-love ka na nga 'tol. Hindi simpleng ka inlab-an lang yan ha, kundi it's the real deal men. Yung bang tipong you'll accept the person not only maganda cya, cool cya kasama, gwapo cya, maporma, tantalizing eyes.. pero yung you'll accept the person's past, kung ano na cya ngayon at how you'll foresee being yourself with this person in the future. Yun mga kapatid, eh true love. Na kahit daanan ka pa ng supah sexy o yayain ka pa ng uber papa-bol, eh you wouldn't think twice of resisting any urges. Kasi you got pass it already, at wala ng ipekto na ang mga temptations na ito. Temptation will always be temptation but we always have a choice, tandaan nyo yan!

Hindi katangahan ang ma-inlove mga pipol. Ang mga nagsasabi lang nyon ay yung mga taong takot masaktan. Or takot sa "idea" ng tinatawag na "HURT." Remember, you can't achieve anything without stumbling down a few steps. So pareho lang din yun, the degree of the pain varies lang pero hai naku, nasasaktan ka pa rin noh.

Anyway, all I'm say is, I'm so much in love. Emphasis on the word, "so much."

Sweet Man of Mine.

He walked into my life,
And swept me off my feet.
He took my heart to places
I thought couldn’t be reached.
That sweet man of mine,
Such a gentle soul.
His presence in my life, makes me feel whole.
This void I use to feel, now has been filled.
That sweet man of mine,
Has me positively thrilled.
I love the way he holds my hand,
The way he plays with my hair.
I love the way he whispers in my ear,
And tells me that he cares.
I love the way he caresses my skin,
The way he looks into my eyes.
That sweet man of mine;
To me, he’s a winning prize.

Aim high, Pinay!

Apparently there's a new way of saying goodluck to a person, it's now "aim high pinay!" hehehe taken from this tv commercial of actress, Judy Ann Santos. Well the supposed to be midterms yesterday was moved today due to valid reasons, and my anxiety level was at max this morning upon waking up. I couldn't take memorizing a bunch of chapters already so I merely read. Fortunately, the exam, I thought was going to be soooo difficult considering she's one of the "terror" clinical instructors in the 3rd year, was rather okay. "Okay" meaning I couldn't consider it difficult nor easy. Although I know I did have a lot of correct answers there so there's a chance I can pass the exam. Phew! At least that part's done and over with. I went home today feeling good about this day. Hmm weird I know considering I went home alone. I guess it's because I expected too much beforehand then during the actual thing I was like, "Whattaheck?" hehehe. But we'll see the results if I really passed it. And besides... if I pass, I'd have to treat the 8gbs for lunch. Gosh, I'd prolly start saving now, just in case u know! hehe.

Take it or Leave it.

OMG. The midterms is 7 hours from now and I still have 2 chapters to re-read again. I can't take it anymore. My eyes are twinkling already, and I have drank 2 sachets of coffee. This is some crazy shit right here. Not only was our instructor absent on the last lecture day (last Wed) before Labor Day but she added 2 more chapters that weren't discussed! Uuggghhh. I just hope and pray I'd pass this one. Although... there's only this slimmest chance of passing this now. From what I've heard from her previous students that it's multiple choice situational style, but hey I can't rely solely on that. But memorizing doesn't help anymore, so I am just reading and hoping some retains or whatever. Imagine having 7 long chapters, plus 10-pages back to back handouts all single spaced, yeah.... that is how brutal she is!

I'd be lucky to get out of this one this semester. Or I'll be off to that dreaded school in Bacolod where my aunt's the dean of the college of nursing. OH HELL NO! No way will I ever be sent there. I'm pressured now, how much more over there where their eyes are more glued on me. Dammit. I gotta pass this. No...

I NEED TO PASS THIS, I mean.

Ps. Honey... you didn't have to do it. Ahaii... thanks so much for it! So very grateful. And I think I know what to buy with it too. Mwah! I luv yah!

Coffee Break.

I don't usually drink coffee. I should say "rarely" instead of usually. Out of the inquisitive idea that coffee gives you stimulant to continue your stressful work, I imbibe it once a night already because I need extra hours to stay awake. Today nothing much happened at school, it was good coz there were no quizzes and whatever surprises. But the dreaded Midterms is only 3 days from now.

Last night, as I tried to keep myself awake from all the studying I've been doing, I just decided to buzz and disturb online peeps on my messenger since my busy bodied boyfriend went log off all too suddenly and called up saying he's in some mall already yesterday. I chatted for a couple of minutes to some people I know, I envied some for going somewhere or have gone to places already this summer. Actually I've received a lot of invitations this summer. Several of my friends from Cali, went home and they invited me to go to Pearl Farm in Davao, Amanpulo in Palawan, in Batanes, Vigan, Tagaytay... blah blah blah! Enumerating all of those stings my heart because I've been wanting to go there since I got back here but haiii... how will I do that when all I face now are these damn books! Even Boracay, I haven't been yet for so long now almost 10years!

Dream on m0ieee.. hehehe eventhough I will have the time later on to visit, it's money-wise that I don't freakin' have. Bummer. If only there's just more decent jobs for undergrads rather than call centers, I'd probably have one for my personal allowance. Gosh, not that I'm complaining, really I'm not and it's fine, but it's been a while already since I bought my last pair of shoes, shirt, kikay accessories and more. I don't even have an allowance that I can save because the money for bills and whatever expenses at home and concerning my sick grandma, aren't enough. So the only everyday expenses for my own would consist of my lunch and jeepney fare. Other than that, it's all window-shopping for me.

Hmm.. whatever, as long as I can still eat meals for the day, then that's all that matters for now.

Mom.

My mom and I had our weekly video calls yesterday. We mostly talked about school, love and friends. She asked how my tortured life as an elite member of the star section was, how am I holding up and stuff. She laughed when I told her how I gave my privilege speech in front of the class about my "LPN" life; how after that speech, people in class started warming up to me more, treating me more as one of them already (which I will never be an alien ever.. hehe asa pa sila!). But at least it wasn't as bad as I think it was from the start anymore. Actually, I've heard worst from my friends who are in other sections.

We talked about Pete, she asked me about his job and why he's there; about his family, if he's the eldest or the youngest that kind of stuff and when he's coming back here in Lilo to visit again. I told her stories about how Pete gets a wee bit paranoid when I'm out of the house at night or not yet home when I lapse my "Cinderella" curfew, when I get home late from school, or when I'm not online and out somewhere and haven't told him when circumstances come that I don't have a load. I told her how he calls everytime we have a misunderstanding, may it be my fault or his, either way he doesn't care, he still manages to call. I told her that Auntie describes our relationship as "expensive" coz everytime I can't reply to one of his messages either IM or SMS, he calls (and mom laughed at this thought). She told me that dad asked her, like 3 or 4 days ago when they were about to sleep, "Do you think Mye has a boyfriend already?" and mom answered, "Yeah I guess she has one. He's in Dubai." and dad asked what he does there, how we met and mom told more about what I told her about Pete. She said dad made a joke on some parts and they laughed, which she doesn't wanna tell me what was it that dad said that made them both laugh (baddd hehe but I know its a good thing when dad jokes).

Although I'm a daddy's girl, I rarely open up to him, we are more like travel buddies, me and dad. We are explorers. There are times when he would catch me home and looking bored and he will just say to me to change coz we'll go somewhere, to which this "somewhere" of his doesn't really consist of "a place" basta lang we can get out of the house and drive till the gas is running empty. We either go check out a new food place or new store, or new city and just go around road tripping. I'm more open to mom because I know she understands more about this mushy stuff. I also told her that I gave her number to Pete, and she said to tell him that she may or may not answer it because she can either be sleeping or at work. Which is what mostly consist her day. But to tell him that he can leave a voice message if he wants to. I asked her if I can stay here December and spend it with Pete instead and will plan to go on vacation or something it depends pa. And she asked where we'll be going and I told her about the miles I've accumulated that is expiring early next year. "Probably 'round Asia, not sure pa naman" I told her.

I have to admit. I saw mom happy that I'm happy telling this to her. I have this precious gift of reading people's faces and I saw, as I was telling here all these, that I am serious about everything. And about Pete. Coz she's know very well how I am when I'm not interested or serious about a person, I tell her and then I stop you can't get more from me. But she saw and felt that when I talk about Pete, I'm more spontaneous, it's like the words just comes out freely from my thoughts. Hehehe, I can talk nonstop for hours.

*Big encouraging sigh* Haiii.... I just hope and pray that this is one of those moments in my life (which aren't that many) where I can look back and say:

"good decision m0ieee!"

U complete ME

As of 1:10am, my honey called. Awww... I was just thinking about him as I was trying to sleep na. Hmm..(hindi gid cya magpalibak bisan sa mind ko lang ah hehe) he is sooo sweet no doubt about that. I can't help but get used to his sweetness, his love, his trust and his care. Hindi talaga nagkukulang ang honey ko. Hmm.. that's why whenever my friends ask me whether he's the one na, I don't have to think twice about what I'm going to answer them. My mind is made up already.

I love u Pete.. very much sweetie.. And always remember, I will never love anyone as much as I love you right now. You are showing me each and everyday that you're not taking me for granted even though alam mo ng I'm yours na sa wakas. You still continue to take care of our relationship, making extra efforts pa nga para hindi na ako mawala pa sayo. I really appreciate everything honey. I'll always keep this efforts of love close to my heart. I'm proud of u sweetie coz you're proving to me that you are capable of loving me this much and no one else. Minsan I can't help but think about your past, pero you're always assuring me naman na the man I'm loving now, is not the same man in your past anymore.

Thanks for loving me like this honey, thanks for giving your true love to me. Kasi ang sagot naman ng puso ko, "d ka nagkamali ng taong mamahalin ng ganito" hon... Coz I will love you the same way as you love me. And capable for more too. *hugs and kisses*

Privilege Speech.

The weirdest thing happened to me in class today. Nagbida-bidahan na naman ang lola nyo ng d oras! Kasi dahil sa wala na akong maisip na example kahapon sa reporting ko edi sympre ang inexample ko na lang ang own experience ko sa hospital sa Cali. Tpos ewan ko na lang kanina out of the blue, Maam Lauro asked kung sino nga daw ung nakapagstudy at nagkapagwork na dun sa states. Tapos ang mga magagaling kong mga classmates eh sabay turo sa akin!

Ayon, pinatayo ako ni Maam sa gitna ng class at pinakwento ako ng mga experiences ko sa hospital. At ano daw ba ang mga responsibilities of a RN, LPN and other health professionals sa isang hospital dun. Nagkwento ako ng mga new technologies na ginagamit dun at kung ano ano na lang na maisipan ko. Eh hello, on the spot nga eh! Haiii naku, kung saan pa to sanang low profile ako, eh heto na naman at hindi pa rin nakawala. But at least, sa ganung paraan, napansin kong I actually gained some respect na ngayon. Yung mga classmates kong parang kala mo kung sino eh ngayon eh pa smile-smile na sa akin.

Now all I have to do is study my ass off for this freakin midterms coming up next week! I need to prove myself that I belong in this group maski this semester lang. Ok nga yun eh, at least kahit one semester lang, I belonged to the star section, para naman kakaiba! hahaha. Haii naku, who am I kidding!?!? It's super pressure noh. I'm just counting on the days left for the semester. 3 weeks more na lang. Kakayanin!

How's my honey's day kaya today? Lam nyo naman, friday is his day off, at pati rin ako, day off na rin yan sa akin kasi bihira ko lang cya makausap basta friday kasali ako sa friday ritual nyang hindi nagpaparamdam sa world, even to me! But it's okay, I got used to it. Nagaalala lang ako dahil umaga na rin ata yun nakatulog kasi meron pa syang meeting, tapos meron pa syang hinintay na tao ng mga midnight na rin, hmmm... not good pero I do trust him so I let him be. He knows what he's doing naman. And he knows I love him very much.

Anyway... I'm going to sleep mostly tomorrow morning, kasi I'm staying up late again tonight because of too much paper works that needs to be done and I'm a night person, so my brain works better at night than waking up early in the morning.

Hmmm... I'm craving again. Ice cream. But having lost 10lbs in 20days, nahhh forget the ice cream. hehehe!

Missing You.

dedicated to my one and only love, Pete :D

Have you ever bothered to realize
how much you mean to me?
I care so much for you inside
and miss you so deeply.

My mind is always curious about
the way things might have been.
As days go by and time goes by,
I look back once again.

All the time I held you in my arms,
I had the whole world right there.
There you were, comforting me with
all of your charms.

Every little kiss from you
was like a dream come true.
This love that I have inside my heart,
it all belonged to you!

It's funny, all those little things
I never thought I'd miss,
Like all those conversations we had,
or the first time we kissed.

I guess that what I'm trying to say,
is I miss and love you more each day!
It hurts me not to see you,
or not to know if you're ok.

I want you to understand
that I loved you from the start.
And I want you to know,
no matter how many miles
we may be apart,
you'll always hold a special place
in my heart.

Damn.

First of all, Happy 3rd h0ney! I didn't know if he remembered though, but like he said, he doesn't like greeting monthsaries so I let him be, I don't want to argue even though I'm not agreeing to his reasons. I like greeting every month coz it measures how far you've been together and how time flies by when you least expect it. These months are critical months to a prosperous 1 year, so this shouldn't be ignored for me. Anyway...............

OMG, my week has been super busy! Busy in a sense that I keep breaking down and keep whining about it. To sum up all my normal night's sleep this week, will only be consisting of 5 hours (1 hr each day). Everyday, I merely drag myself to class and wish, 29th of May will come soon and let all this be over. My first quiz was a pain to think about, I'm pretty sure I didn't do well and I really don't care either.

My patience has been shorter these days, I can just snap angrily at you once you can't understand me, or I can just stare at you blankly and not say anything at all, or I'll just tell you I "understand" you to avoid any more arguements and any more chitchats because I get irritated easily.

And plus, I've been consoling this childhood adopted kuya of mine, who got so crashed and torn down to pieces when he and his fiance broke up and to think they were already living together (live-in). He is suicidal already because according to him, she was his true love and he gave her all. He endured a lot of pain and suffering just saving this relationship but in the end, they still broke up despite everything he's done. And I knew the moment he talked to me about this tragic love story, that God wanted him to seek my help because I am one of the few people in his life who he listens to, even though we argue more because of clashing stubborn mentalities. But he do listens and tries to incorporate it in his life.

Haiii, I can't even solve my own problems, yet I still help others with their own set of problems, it so ironic, DAMN.

*lonely... so lonely right now and the song update I have here in my blog is my desert for the moment (Bleeding Love - Leona Lewis)*

One of those days.

I broke-down today. I wasn't able to handle myself together. I was overwhelmed by how the class went by. Most of the students were really good. It was different from what I was used to, laid-back, fun class. Back there, all were pretty serious, and into their own game. I broke down because I felt I didn't belong there. Why was I placed there anyway? Did the clinical instructors see the same attitude those other students have in me? Was I that uptight as well? I really don't think so.

I was ready to walked out in the middle of the discussion because I felt bad about myself but I didn't just to save my face from making a fool of myself. I feel so incompetent. I didn't like the pressure. And that is major pressure right there. I hated it, everything! After class, I directly went home seeing I don't have anybody there to talk to since I was the only one from our section before, that was placed there. I sent a mass text message to my school friends and they tried consoling me but it really didn't help at all.

Then when I logged on in my messenger, my big broh (close friend), Jm, IMed me what's the matter and I told him and then when he sermoned me about making a deal outta a small thing I just snapped angrily at him saying that I don't need any sermon and it's not just a small thing for me, maybe for him, but never for me. But I regretted and said sorry right then, I didn't mean to, I just wanted somebody to listen and just let me be angry and upset. I'm glad he understood and didn't take my angry snaps at him seriously. He said sorry and that it's a normal reaction when upset. He told me that he understands why I was mad at myself. And he did have a point. He told me that since I'm an over achiever and somewhat a control freak, so when things doesn't go like I wanted it to, and feels like I don't have control over something, I tend to lose my temper, and break down.

Hmp, I hate it when he's right. He told to relax coz I'm the only one pressuring myself, and he said the instructors put in that hell section because they see something potential in me, worth developing just like every person in that section. I was just to stubborn to see beyond everything else. I mellowed down and I told him that I'm a rest for a while coz my eyes hurt from all the crying and said thanks.

Anyway, I also chatted with my mom and told her too. She said to do everything one step at a time. And don't get carried away. And I finally told my mom that I have a new boyfriend, and explained to her why the last one ended and why I have a new one all of a sudden. I also told her that Peter proposed already and showed her pictures of us. She just smiled and laughed. At least that part is done already. I can't wait for them to meet him. I love you h0n! Miss u today.

Well gotta start taking down notes for class. Ciao for now!